Learn patience, stop stimulus.

"We may be earnestly desiring to be obedient and holy. But we may be missing the fact that it is here, where we happen to be at this moment and not in another place or another time, that we may learn to love Him - here where it seems He is not at work, where His will seems obscure or frightening, where He is not doing what we expected Him to do, where He is most absent. Here and nowhere else is the appointed place. If faith does not go to work here, it will not go to work at all." --Elisabeth Elliot

I listened to a chapel message sent to me by a friend on patience. It was excellent. A few hours after listening to it the first time, I listened to it again in its entirety. Wow. Wow.

still finding things...

"God does not give us overcoming life; He gives life as we overcome. The strain is the strength. If there is no strain there is no strength. Are you asking God to give you life and liberty and joy? He cannot, unless you will accept the strain. Immediately you face the strain, you will get the strength." - Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest"

"When you find yourself facing an issue in your life, the purpose or reason or good thing that might come out of it being completely hidden from you - what do you do? Do you worry and fret, become preoccupied with the problem? Do you ignore it or avoid it? Do you complain about it, do you want to run away from it? Or do you see it as a situation in which you might be able to experience the power and grace of God at work? Do you watch for the work of God that is to be done in his situation?" - Fr. John Yates, Falls Church

"[Fretting] always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not out to realize His own ideas; He was out to realize God's ideas." - Oswald Chambers

"Lord, it is hard to accept a negative answer, but keep us humble enough, patient enough, and faithful enough to trust. Thank You that You always answer our prayers in Your way with a yes or a no. How good it is to know that You never make a mistake." - Corrie ten Boom

Eng. Lit. response paper - 02/17/03

Our lives can be summed up in one word: mutability. That is exactly what Shelley writes his poem on - a small summary of what life is like.

It is the same! - For, be it joy or sorrow,
The path of its departure still is free;
Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutability.

To be mutable is to be changeable, variable, fluctuating and inconsistent. Isn't that exactly what life is like when we stop and think about it? The reason that I selected this passage is because it is overwhelmingly full of truth. This particular stanza says that although all the days are filled with joys and sorrow they are all different. Everyone has different kinds of things that make you happy and different kinds of things that make you sad, but you will never have two of the exact same day. The only thing in life that will not change is change itself.

Something that stirred up my thoughts in this passage was how sometimes I go through a day and by the time I wake up the next morning and think about what the past twenty four hours has held for me, it seems wasted, futile; and I will never gain it back. If Shelley thought that in his society and day things were always changing, what would he think to live in the United States today? We are so quick about our business that we don't even realize we are quick. We don't take time to step back and evaluate that there is joy and sorrow and every day holds something different and unexpected. At least Shelley has the logic to slow down and take a step back and examine what life is really like. Sure this poem reminds me of microwaves, instant messengers, and cell phones, but it also reminds me of my homework. I am so "rushed" to do my homework because I supposedly have so many other things to accomplish that it seems as though sometimes I forget to learn. We're hardly very knowledgeable in this day and age; we've simply learned to think quickly and memorize. How sad! I remember answering a question for Biblical Fundamentals last year that asked about our academic standings and goals and so forth. I remember writing that I wanted to learn, learning so that I know, not just so that I will get good grades was my goal. I want to know things so that even though the world may change I will build up my knowledge and know truth and fact and wisdom.

Change is inevitable. It is and always has been a part of human life. "Mutability" reminded me of the verse in James 4:14 that states, "For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." We need to be so careful that our days are not wasted. In the entire realm of humanity change includes new people being born and old people dying. I'm going to die (unless Jesus comes back). That is for sure a change, for me, my family, my friends, and everyone else I encounter in life. And yet the same joys and the same sorrows will continue throughout people's lives. Perhaps we should be like Shelley and examine what reality is really like sometime. If we don't examine life at all, we'll be gone before we know it.

English Literature response paper - 04/02/03

Perhaps Emily Bronte is correct in her poem "I'm Happiest When Most Away." Perhaps true contentment for a woman lies beyond her existence to her family or to her husband, but I would go a step further and say that true contentment for all human beings lies beyond their mortal lives.

I'm happiest when most away
I can bear my soul from its home of clay
On a windy night when the moon is bright
And the eye can wander through worlds of light
When I am not and none beside
Nor earth nor sea nor cloudless sky
But only spirit wandering wide
Through infinite immensity.

Whether or not this poem is talking about day dreaming or watching a night sky, it simply talks about the mind wandering to new places, seemingly unreachable places. Let me think about my life and "bear my soul." Instead of looking at my life here on earth, let me look at the sky so my "eye can wander through worlds of light." If this is the only way to experience something new then let my "spirit [wander] wide through infinite immensity."

Everyone knows that littler girls are supposed to dream about their wedding day - what color bridesmaids dresses will be, who will be their bridesmaids, and of course which of the princes from all of the Disney movies will be their groom. Being a female has made it seem that I'm almost given the "right" to dream, to day dream, to open up my soul and think of things beyond. I thought by the time I went into junior high my day dreaming of my life to come would stop, but it didn't. It didn't stop in high school and it hasn't even begun to stop in college. In fact, I think it's gotten worse (probably) as the time draws closer. In fact, The Master's College community is very encouraging in the hopes to find a husband who plays the guitar and wants to be a youth pastor. So is that the daydream or the "wandering wide" spirit in Emily Bronte's poem? I don't think so. That hope, seemingly, is like every other girl's dream here at TMC. This poem is not about the people that want what everybody else assumes they will eventually get or is in the process of getting or already does have. There is something beyond that simplistic life. Let me "bear my soul from its home of clay." I don't want to be like everybody else. I want to be different. Perhaps, I won't go to the extreme that I don't want to ever get married or anything horrendous like that, however I don't want to marry a pastor and I don't want to get married right out of college and I don't want to be a house wife and raise four children. I believe I'm looking from the outside, hoping that I will never have to bear my soul elsewhere, dreaming about a different kind of life.

Just as we sometimes hear that if humans were all the same then the world would be boring, if our lives were all the same we would all want to get out of here. Most of the Victorian women led the same casual lifestyles. How boring is that? I would take it a step further though, and say that men feel exactly the same way. Don't most men work and provide income for their family household? Don't they ever want to "bear their soul" and let their "spirit [wander] wide through infinite immensity"? Yes, I'm sure they do. Of course, from a Christian perspective, the only life someone could live and be content would be a life indwelled by the Holy Spirit of the Living God. And yet, at the same time still, I think you still need times to "bear your soul", but in life with Him, He is exactly who you would bear your soul to.

my life right now

"O ye of little faith, why did you doubt?" - Jesus

i'm not exactly doing well. do i blog about that or what?

dying!!!

rejoice always? he said it again, rejoice!

man, i'm sick. different symptoms rolling and changing every three days since wednesday oct. 28th. this is getting ridiculous. the last two days i've had a sore on my tonsil which is killing me and putting tons of pressure on my left ear, you know how that goes? i'm just sick of not feeling well.

*sigh*

i know i don't come close to most people in this world's pain and suffering.

but i do have to admit that i thought of job yesterday. i was thinking about all those things that have seemed to completely gone out of my life (see the post on oct. 22nd entitled these days, His ways) in the last few months. things that i loved and are good things - yes? - and things that even assist in my relationship with the God of the universe through Jesus - surely! so do i ask, "why, God, have you seemingly taken these good things?" ...no. that is not faith. we know the promises of His Word. we know He does not withhold any good thing. so we praise Him and trust Him in the midst of the circumstances and life-changes. ...and what about now? a week and a half of illness, again certainly not as horrible as job but very uncomfortable nonetheless, right after getting offered a job. do i ask Him why? do i get angry and allow satan's plan to edge its way into my heart producing nothing but self-pity and sin? or is it "turn your eyes upon Jesus/look full in His wonderful face/and the things of earth will grow strangely dim/in the light of His glory and grace."

from a man changed by God

"A truly balanced person retains a capacity for wonder and the willingness to express it in the very confession of a creaturehood, the spontanous acknowledgment that he is a human being and not a god, a being with limitations who, far from having embraced infinity, is happily and hopelessly engulfed by it." - Brennan Manning

recommendations

The God I Love: A Lifetime of Walking with Jesus - A Memoir by Joni Eareckson Tada
This was another book that I had attempted to read at earlier stages of my life yet could never "get into." This time, it was different - who knows why. I could hardly put it down. It reads very much like a novel. Tada's vivid remembrances not only tied me into her life but also reminded me of my own. There were more than a few poignant times when I could hardly keep reading out of sheer shock that rose from similarities. These were usually emotions, thoughts, and particularly conversations with the Almighty that we've both had throughout our lives. So it became not only the God that Joni loves but the God that Katie loves as well. An encouragement from another member of the cloud.

The Purple Rose of Cairo (movie)
Don't let the stamp of Woody Allen turn you off. I watched this during my film class in college. I thought it was great then and I still think it's great now. Forcing my mom to watch it the other night brought on laughter for me and rolls-of-the-eyes for her. If you like wit and hilarity with enough to get you thinking about reality by the end, watch it.

Elisabeth Elliot books
Just finishing a short book of essays entitled Love Has A Price Tag. When I was younger, I held everything she had to say as Scripture, practically. But my eyes have been open to more peoples and beliefs, as well as to more of God Himself (praise Him!) I still thoroughly enjoy E.E. books, just with a better perspective now. God's work in her heart, more than just in her life circumstances, encourages and exhorts me. I always laugh with her and think with her. She does make me want to know my Savior more, whether or not I agree with everything she says. Other books I've read: A Chance to Die (the Amy Carmichael biography talked about in a few posts below), Through Gates of Splendor (a must-read missionary biography for anyone), Shadow the Almighty (a fantastic look at one that was changed by the unchangeable One), Passion and Purity, Quest for Love, Let Me Be A Woman, The Path of Loneliness, The Mark of a Man, and my personal favorite Secure in the Everlasting Arms.

The Lord of the Rings (movie)
Watched all three in less than 24 hours. Still has enough to emit huge emotive responses out of me. Tolkien (still the creator of the story) did what he wanted - "The prime motive was the desire of a tale-teller to try his hand at a really long story that would hold the attention of readers, amuse them, delight them, and at times maybe excite them or deeply move them" (J.R.R. Tolkien, Forward in TLotR).

...

I do not, however, recommend having flu-like symptoms for three days and then the common cold for three days more.

Nothing ever changes Him...

God exhorted me to continue striving to do good (His grace always at constant work, to be sure, and the presence of the Holy Spirit the only power.) But how I wish it would not have to be a "striving." And He took me to Romans 8: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." I must live by the Spirit. Yield my soul, life, and all to Him. Live by faith in the Son of God who gave Himself up for me... and be thankful.

I am thankful for...
...a family that takes care of me, gives me a roof over my head, food in my belly, and many other amenities and blessings.
...the softest kitty in the whole world who will sleep with me and let me force-cuddle her.
...a piano.
...prayer and love support from my church family.
...my own room and precious quilts that I love.
...good books.
...clean, warm water to take showers and baths.
...a car for some "freedom".
...a plethora of other undeserved blessings - Lord, you are so kind!

But even if this list was void, wouldn't He Himself be enough? Enough peace and hope...to continue living by faith... and, out of gratitude, seeking to obey through His power.

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, 'Naked I come from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed, be the name of the Lord.' In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." Job 1:20-22

May it be said of me.

Nothing ever changes Him... nothing.

it's foggy and my pace is getting slower...

these days, His ways

• My computer is kaput.
• Almost all of my music is lost (and my CDs were stolen in Chuuk.)
• Becca is on the other side of the world.
• Donna is on the other side of the country.
• Others are...
• I let Cherie give away our kitty Elliot.
• I don't have a job, a routine, a - as most people refer to it - "life."
• I don't have money to spend aimlessly although that does nothing for matters of the heart anyway.
• I'm busy.
• I'm bored.
• I'm more tired than I was all summer and all two years in grad. school.
• ...I'm also a huge complainer - and you, and I, and God despise complainers.

Where is He? Where is God?

Oh, He is here. He is definitely here. I have no doubt of that.

He is teaching me...
...service to those that are many times hardest for me to serve.
...patience as I wait, endurance.
...His particular care of my heart condition and attitude in all things.
...routine (? yes.) of daily serving others and not myself as I have been doing all the days of my life.
...He takes away for my good.

And He is continuing to teach me...
...that He is best,
...that His promises never fail,
...that He has purposes in all things for His glory, honor, and praise.

"Anisiei!" "Hari kari a min bike!" "Ayudame!"

"Help me!" I cry. I don't know how else to pray at this point.

But...

He has proven Himself to me. He will hear this cry, this plea for mercy, and He will answer... in His timing, in His way, for His most wonderful glory.

---

I finished Amy's biography. Chapter 27 - "The Lesson of the Weaned Child" - His lesson for me now?

One of Amy's precious colaborers died.

"We are not asked to SEE," said Amy. "Why need we when we KNOW?" We
know - not the answer to the inevitable Why, but the the incontestable
fact that it is for the best. It is an irreparable loss, but is it faith
at all if it is 'hard to trust' when things are entirely bewildering?"
...Others, with a sigh and a shake of the head, observed that it is difficult
for us human beings to escape bitterness, even dumb rage, when such things
happen. ..."It is indeed not only difficult, it is impossible," Amy
wrote. "There is only one way of victory over the bitterness and rage that
come naturally to us - To will what God wills brings peace." ...And as we
rest our hearts upon what we know (the certainty of the ultimate triumph of
good) leaving what we do not know to the Love that has led us all our life long,
the peace of God enters into us and abides.

And speaking of prayer, "We knew our Father. There was no need for persuasion. Would not His fatherliness be longing to give us our hearts' desire (if I may put it so)? How could we press Him as though He were not our own most loving Father?"

Elisabeth continues,

How was she to go on? She was an orphan. Her own parents gone,
her spiritual father and mother gone. She had not known life without such
support. Nor has the child, when weaning time comes, known life without
its unfailing source of nourishment. Like the weaned child, Amy knew that
the lesson assigned now was to learn to do without. She wrote another
prayer:

And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my father,
Until it be according
unto mine?
But, no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee
blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs
of keen desire -
See in my quiet places, wishes thronging -
Forbid them,
Lord, purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful,
reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even
as a weaned child.

And so we arrive back to the title - A Chance to Die. I have actually thought much about this "dying" over the past years of my life. This seemingly crazy circle that few understand and even fewer attempt to realize in their own walking. We are living beings but only truly living with Christ. As those covered by His blood, we die to self to truly live. What does that mean? I do not think it is a daily meditation on our sin, then we would only indulge in self-pity and we are told to fix our eyes on the Author of our faith. But I do believe it is a moment-by-moment awareness of my heart in all its activities. Am I doing, serving, loving because Jesus did, served, and loved me? Are my movements each day brought on by gratitude and wonder and love to please my God? This is where my cry for help comes, from the depths of my failure at the sins of my heart which obviously are eventually if not totally portrayed in my actions. The same blood that justifies is the same blood that sanctifies. And I must choose to yield to His Spirit. I am beginning to believe that this is the sacrifice Christ asks of us - all the other sacrifices (sometimes more seemingly visible) He may ask of His own are only the further working out of what they already have sacrificed - their will, their soul, their all.

It is hard because of my sin but the burden is light because of the sacrifice already made - Christ Jesus, Himself. And remember, not just His death but the whole of His life on earth - leaving His throne, living on earth (as I ache to be rid of it!), then allowing excruciating pain, wanting to not go through it, but obeying His Father. And what happened? Resurrection, redemption, and reconciliation - the most glorious, wonderful thing EVER! Praise Him! Praise Jesus! Praise Yahweh! Praise Him alone!

"It was an act of faith, but certainly accompanied by the anguish of doubt and desire which had to be brought again and again under the authority of the Master."

"Here and nowhere else she would prove Him, here, in the vicissitudes and exigencies of the work assigned. Her Lord too had 'learned obedience.'"

"Home, with all its prohibitions and opportunities to die daily offered training far greater than any Bible school curriculum. It was a long obedience..."

"I am learning the lesson set to the weaned child. I am learning to do without."

Without... but Him.

unsuccessful self-solace strain... "Endure!"

(a.k.a. failed self-pity struggle) also entitled "wallowing"

My bad days are... bad. And a waste, to say the least. Idiotic self-pity which stems only from thinking on falsehood, i.e. non-truths. I completely, willingly gave in to heart-sin (in other lingo, also known as "pouting") last night.

Satan uses anything to destroy. Satan whispers lies in my ear. I eventually believe, taking my eyes off Truth. Satan presents an all-you-can-eat buffet of self-pity. I gorge myself. When I sadly, ashamedly turn my eyes to get a glimpse of the Savior, Satan laughs. I doubt the all-sufficient grace of God.

And I find myself sitting in a pit that I dug, whether or not the tools were given to me by the Evil One.

And I think to myself, "How can people live like this?"

And then I think to myself, "How can I live like this ...after knowing Him who alone is Light, Love, and Life?"

Again Satan laughs at my doubt, my self-will, my pride. He loves it. Not because he loves me but because he hates glory to the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, Jesus.

Jesus... who sacrificed everything, who taught valiantly, who loved eternally, and who forever defeated Satan through the power of His resurrection.

"My grace is sufficient for you," the God of glory whispered to me, without a trace of venom. God asked me to look at Him. He waited. Then He asked me again. Is all this grace, day after day after day possible? Does His love never let up? And my loving, gracious heavenly Father, whom I have fallen in love with no matter how imperfectly, in the most gentle, compassionate, love-pleading way said, "Endure. ...Endure."

Waiting to Watching

The Lord reminded me of things on a to-do list that I could do during this time. Besides service to my family, there is writing and reading that can be accomplished. And it is already a blessing.

I gave the book as a gift. It was never read. Someone else read it. I read the first three chapters at least twice if not thrice over the past six years. Today I'm on chapter 23 and can hardly put it down. 28 chapters to go.

A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael - by Elisabeth Elliot

"The Christian life comes down to two simple things: trust and obedience." Amn't I finding that to be the truth? Later Amy asks, "Could it be right to turn from so much that might be of profit and become just nursemaids?" And Elisabeth writes, "The answer was yes. It is not the business of the servant to decide which work is great, which is small, which important or unimportant - he is not greater than his master." Every day matters to Him. Every day can be used by Him. Every day He cares about the condition of my heart.

And I'm being encouraged by others who have found Him to be just as He promises He is - faithful. "The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him." Concerning Amy's mother when her father died, Elisabeth writes, "Years later, Amy discovered in the margin of her mother's Bible, next to that promise, a tiny notation: 'Found true all along the line ever since.'" Praise Jesus - He has proven Himself true not just to me! Amy said, "He has been so kind about other things that we cannot doubt but that He will care for this too." As is my testimony, coming to this time in my life. Amy testifies and I echo, "Dear friends, I don't often write of these inner heart-things in my Scrapperies, but to the glory of His name let me witness that in far away lands, in loneliness (deepest sometimes when it seems least so), in times of downheartedness and tiredness and sadness, always always He is near. He does comfort, if we let Him. Perhaps someone as weak and good-for-nothing as even I am may read this. Don't be afraid! Through all circumstances, outside, inside, He can keep me close."

To be like Christ. To displace self from the inner throne, and to enthrone Him; to make not the slightest compromise with the smallest sin. We aim at nothing less than to walk with God all day long, to abide every hour in Christ and He and His words in us, to love God with all the heart and our neighbor as ourselves. ...It is possible to cast every care on Him daily, and to be at peace amidst pressure, to see the will of God in everything, to put away all bitterness and clamor and evil speaking, daily and hourly. It is possible by unreserved resort to divine power under divine conditions to become strongest through and through at our weakest point.
...by Bishop Handly Moule, Thoughts on Christian Sanctity

Elisabeth writes, "Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them." Have I not sat at my Savior's feet these past days, weeks? I could more and more. One of my turning points with my relationship with Him was J.R. passionately telling me, "Tell Him everything and anything. Whatever is on your heart. Just talk to Him. Tell Him. He will deal with it. He has heard everything and knows everything anyway. But you must tell Him. Just talk to Him. Tell Him, Katie. Tell Him all."

And Amy's testimony has reminded me of the realities of where I long to be serving, "Missionary work in a place where Christ has never been named is sometimes less arduous than in places where, though named, He has not been honored by lives of holy obedience. How were the heathen to see Christianity in action, how feel its force, when so many who went by the name of Christian were nothing more than the descendants of people who had 'crossed over' during 'one of those dreadful mass movements' of the early nineteenth century?" And when I think of those that have gently ridiculed my life by mentioning that I think too much on what even they say is reality:

If those friends who blame... could see what we see, and feel what we feel, they would be the first to wonder that those redeemed by Christ should be so backward in devotion, and know so little of the spirit of self-sacrifice. They would be ashamed of the hesitations that hinder us. But we must remember that it was not by interceding fro the world in glory that Jesus saved it. He gave Himself. Our prayers for the evangelization of the world are but a bitter irony so long as we only give of our superfluity and draw back before the sacrifice of ourselves.
...by M. Coillard, On the Threshold of Central Africa

"So I tried and we tried - and failed. He had to teach us to Be Still and Know. Then when His time came His will was clear." - Amy

I'n waiting ...and watching.

... ... ...waiting... ... ...

Last night, after a long wearisome day, I was talking with my Lord.

"I know you have an amazing plan. You always do. You will do something wonderful." I chagrined as if in pain, not worry or impatience, only pain. "You have clearly and gently told me to wait. I can do that because I know Your faithfulness and have seen You work in Your time." I paused. He held my tear-stained face. "But what do I do while I wait?"

I read Psalm 62.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
...Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man according to his work."

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so easily,
But in my hands they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in God for leading
Each moment of my day.
I will look to God for guidance
In each step of the way.

The path that lies before me,
Only my Lord knows.
I'll trust God to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

a testimony of God

(shared with friends on Oct. 11th, 4:45pm)

One way to look at the past...

God...
...took me to The Master's College when I didn't even want to go to college.
...took me to Uganda, totally out of my comfort zone.
...had me wait 4 months before clearly having me go to Chuuk.
...took me to Chuuk a second time, with my sister, for a year.
...led me to CIU, a great job, an amazing boss, friends, churches, and a freaking MA that I thoroughly enjoyed getting, feel gifted and confident in by Him, and have already been given amazing opportunities to use.
..., through His clear calling, led me to Iraq where I had some of the best months of my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically speaking.

But let me tell you something, my beloved friends, in all honesty, for the praise of this amazing God whom there is no other...

Nothing compares, nothing, and nothing even matters, compared (in the words of Paul) to the surpassing worth of knowing my Lord...

Jesus

Another way to look at my life...

- In college, God made in me a love for His Word, to know Him, to read it purely to know Him and if His Word was true and the God that authored it was alive and Jesus sat at His right hand as my Savior, then my life would be lived drastically different from those who did not know Him.
- But I had so much to understand about grace...
- I tell you that one of my reasons for going to Chuuk was because I thought I had to do great things for the Lord because I had messed up so much in the past. I didn't realize this reasoning until later, but I do think it was true, and you know what? I failed and I sinned and I screwed up there too. ..And thus began some of the darkest months in my life.
- And Jesus spoke through the words of Timothy to me, "When you are faithless, [I] remain faithful."
- I lacked faith. Faith in His grace. Faith in the work of Jesus. Faith in who God was, is, and will forever be.
- And God graciously took me to a time of deep spiritual growth in Him.
- You may have heard me complain about living with my brother in a studio apartment but that semester I would spend hours with the Lord outside at this place called the Pointe, overlooking the river and trees - and those times... were glorious. It's why I want to go to heaven even now. Jesus. Forever cherished time with my Savior, my God, my Friend.
- And then God takes me to Iraq. Honestly, the most wonderful thing about this summer was my intimacy with the Lord - not perfect on my part - but the same as it had been. Life was "normal" because I was walking with Him just like I had been, because of Him and because of His faithfulness. Of course "normal" with the Lord means totally amazing, miracles all around, hearts transformed, eyes enlightened, praise to the only great God who saves.

My beloved friend,
this is God's story in my life...
...He is my Savior because I don't obey all the time.
...He is my friend because His blood reconciles me to Him.
...And He is God, not only worthy of my worship but desirous of intimacy with me which has resulted in me being desirous of Him... and me being desirous of everything else that He loves.

"For thus says the Lord,
who created the heavens (he is God!),
who formed the earth and made it (he established it;
he did not create it empty, he formed it to be inhabited!):
"I am the Lord, and there is no other.
I did not speak in secret, in a land of darkness;
I did not say to the offspring of Jacob,
'Seek me in vain.'
I the Lord speak the truth; I declare what is right.

"Assemble yourselves and come; draw near together, you survivors of the nations!
They have no knowledge who carry about their wooden idols,
and keep on praying to a god that cannot save.
Declare and present your case; let them take counsel together!
Who told this long ago? Who declared it of old?
Was it not I, the Lord? And there is no other god besides me,
a righteous God and a Savior; there is none besides me.

"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other."

(Isaiah 45:18-22)

"Yeah, you were the __________."

I went to a friend's birthday party last night. I only really knew her and her boyfriend so while we waited for them (it was a surprise) one of the other girls and I were trying to figure out how we knew each other. Eventually we realized and she said, "Yeah, you were the _________." Fill in the blank with whatever you will, I'll just say that it wasn't "girl who radiates Jesus" or "girl who loves people so much because all Christ has done for her." It wasn't scandalous or rude or belittling (really), in fact, it was a "Christian" term. And I think she was just saying it as fact (which it actually is, sorta, true, maybe.) It wasn't wrong or bad.

It just wasn't and isn't what I want to be known for.

How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
- Nichole Nordeman

I pray that I might be characterized by love. (I have a long way to go.)

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35

I pray that I might be used to spread His fame and His glory.

"...And from them I will send survivors to the nations... that have not heard my fame or seen my glory. And they shall declare my glory among the nations." Isaiah 66:19

JESUS

(& Francis Chan)

I've done some of my reading over the past month. I have enjoyed many a books and if you followed my blog winter break of 08-09 you would have seen the list of 13 or so books I finished off and had time to discuss on my blog. Fun-ness.

Francis Chan: My favorite preacher EVER. Why? Every time, I praise God for how wonderful HE (God Himself) is and want to be changed by Him, because of Him, and for Him. Louie Giglio says of Chan, "[He] quickly gets to the heart of the matter and leaves you wanting more... more of the matchless Jesus who offers radical life for all right now."

Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

"...surrendering yourself totally to God's purposes, He will bring you the most pleasure in this life and the next."

"[God] has more of a right to ask us why so many people are starving."

"A Strange Inheritance... The very fact that a holy, eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, fair, and just God loves you and me is nothing short of astonishing. The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us. His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity. He doesn't need me or you. Yet He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance (Eph. 1:18). The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us. That really is amazing beyond description. The holy Creator sees you as His 'glorious inheritance.' The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him - and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by."

"The greatest good on this earth is God. Period. God's one goal for us is Himself. The Good News - the best news in the world, in fact - is that you can have God Himself."

God has used (and continues to use) the words of Isaiah (and others) for me.

This amazing, AMAZING GRACE, time and time and time again - I am a fool to not be ______ changed.

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." says God. (Isaiah 43:4) "...But you have burdened me with your sins; you have wearied me with your iniquities." (Isaiah 43:24) "I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins," says God. (Isaiah 43:25) "Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it! For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel." (Isaiah 44:23)

As precious Mary Ewart use to say, "Jesus is the answer to everything." He proved it to her. She testified it to me. Now she sees Him face to face.

He's proven it to me too. "Oh, Lord, may I testify of You..."

Reminiscing...

This is weird. I'm blogging again.

Remember the Uttermost Parts of the Sea?

Remember My Song of the South?
Be reminded: studio, grace, festival, testimony, vacation, laughter, experiences.

Thus a new blogging journey begins.