a year gone by... the past few months too.

"The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it." - Ernest Hemingway

I saw this quote the other day when I was with Kayti down in Seaport Village on San Diego's harbor. I don't know what I think of it really; I definitely don't completely agree but...

It reminded me of my blog.

...

2010. Can I believe it? Not the number so much or where we are in history, but all that has happened in my life particularly in the past 14 months.

I can still recall the days in November of 2008, spending time with the Lord on my hand-quilted bed, looking out at the woods south of CIU, and wondering if it was really the Spirit's whispering, "Iraq," into my ear. I remember being overwhelmed with peace and excitement when I believed and said, "Ok."

I remember weeks up at the Mouth with Grandma and Grandpa. And my letter I wrote.

I remember being confused about so desperately wanting to be a particular someone's wife and wondering how it could be so when he did not want me and the very core of why I loved God was because He did want me after all - "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)."

I remember the absolutely gorgeous sights of the Florida Keys and the perfect weather where my parents took Sam and me for my dad's retirement vacation. It was my 49th state. I remember the alligators. I remember the fight with Sam. I remember the Kennedy Space Center.

I remember the call from Grandpa Eaton telling us about Uncle Zane's accident. He probably wouldn't make it. I remember Mom crying. I remember Dad praying. He's still here today.

Mom, Dad, and I went to Charleston. The weather wasn't gorgeously perfect like the Keys but it was beautiful and we had a great time together.

I remember going to Dancing with the Phil in downtown Columbia and although it wasn't like Dancing with the Stars it was still special.

My birthday party with 30+ people in our little mobile home.

Anita and Priscilla singing "From the Inside Out" at the top of their lungs for hours. Laughing with them.

There was the most difficult class of my graduate work that semester. (I remember being frustrated at all the pain when I saw the "perfect" grade I somehow managed to get; I mean, grades don't matter anyway.) But I also remember Joe's class, his laugh, my fellow TEFLites, and our laughs in return.

I remember outings with Heather Mossop, hugs from Liz Miller, and singing four part harmony out of hymnbooks in the stairwell with a handful of undergrads.

I smile to think of times spent with Jennie Rongish and Jenn McGarvey.

There was also China fellowship and the last barbeque.

And Rebecca Boone's wedding. And crying my face off in the car with Kayti and Cindy and them taking care.

Of course, more than words can say, Donna and her beloved "J" as well as Cedar Creek Baptist.

I hardly remember graduation but I remember having similar feelings to when I graduated from Master's and then had two days before leaving for Uganda, although only six weeks, then my longest time being away from home.

Then there was the summer: D.C., Turkey, Iraq, Austria, Germany, Ukraine.

And now the past four months at home, my world not what I envisioned, not what I ever could have possibly imagined. The accident. The disabilities. The dead computer. The unanswered applications. The lack of communication.

The lack of communication with God.

It's funny how my blog is an (almost) tell-all of my life. You see posts of excitement and faith. What God has done. Faith He will do more. Some doubt but wanting to have faith; focused on Christ. Wondering but reading His promises. Asking but trying to hold fast. Doubt. Anger. Stubbornness. Less and less writings. Then none.

I hate life without God.

....

January 4th, 2010, it was time to, well, repent. Ask forgiveness from Him whom had always shown me nothing but love and grace and whom I had spat and raised my fist.

The Spirit took me to Psalm 106 this morning. The story of the last few months of my life.

"Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!" (Ps. 106, v.1)

"Both we and our fathers have sinned; we have committed iniquity we have done wickedness. Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the Sea, at the Read Sea." (vv. 6-7)

"Yet" (Praise God there's a yet!) "he saved them for his name's sake, that he might make known his mighty power." (v.8)

"Then they soon forgot his works;" (v. 13a) ...but what follows is what cut me to the core...

"They did not wait for his counsel." (v. 13b) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

"But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them." (vv. 14-15) Aaaaaaaah! My heart is in turmoil within me!

"They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things in Egypt." (v. 21)

It goes on and on for the next twenty verses; my heart ached.

"Many times he delivered them, but they were rebellious in their purposes and were brought low through their iniquity." (v. 43)

And then it was as if I had been holding my breath, parched for water, having gone months in a desert...

"Nevertheless" (Praise God! Praise God!) "He looked upon their distress, when he heard their cry. For their sake he remembered his covenant and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love." (vv. 44-45)

And the only outcome?

"Save us, O Lord our God, and gather us from among the nations, that we may give thanks to your holy name and glory in your praise. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting! And let all the people say, 'Amen!' Praise the Lord!" (vv. 47-48)

...

Over the past months there have been many times when I thought of something that I could "think" about on my blog. But I decided without God ruling my life, my life is futile. I might have been alive but I was not living.

So here I am again - living because, through, and for Christ, in His Spirit, because God the Father so loved me. He is the One who has delivered me from this body of death.

May He do in me as He wishes each day. And may you want the same for yourself.