brainstorming

"A life of following Christ requires relinquishing those fears when they do come. It means refusing to let your fears of what others think, your fears of rejection, keep you from pursuing the truth about the Holy Spirit and whatever else God is teaching you and calling you to." (p.46)

"The truth is that the Spirit of the living God is guaranteed to ask you to go somewhere or do something you wouldn't normally want or choose to do." (p.50)

"...the point is that we need to base our understanding of and experience with the Holy Spirit on biblical truth and not on fear." (p.53)

"Where does your allegiance lie? Do you care about what people think when they see you, or do you care about seeking the truth concerning the Spirit of God and then living in light of the truth, holding to those promises, and enjoying that relationship?" (p.54)

-- Francis Chan, Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit

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I've decided I need to do some biblical digging on the theology of "wait."

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You've heard the big question - "What is God's will for my life?" I'm sure you've heard many answers on what "that" is too or at least where one might be able to find "it." I have. And, to be honest, a lot of the answers haven't answered my questions.

God's will is explicit in the Bible. Fact. I totally agree.

All that He wants me to know about what to do in my life is explicit in the Bible. I just don't agree with that. I almost put that I don't know if I agree with that but then things would really start getting weird. Both my decision to go to Chuuk the first time and to go to Iraq were not something I found in the Bible, nor were they a decision I made out of many options in which I thought the Lord would be pleased. I made those decisions because I felt (yes, I emotively felt) that God asked me (yes, specifically and practically with audible voice) to go to these places. Deciding not to do as He asked would have been disobedience. But I didn't find those answers in the Bible; I had been walking closely with the Lord through prayer and reading and meditating on His Word and with that the Holy Spirit's presence, authority, and direction were that clear (hence the quotes written earlier.)

This time in my life has had me thinking a lot about how the Lord leads people. Please hear me though, just as much as (now) I wouldn't say that kissing a man before I was his wife would be blatant sin - it couldn't be said so because no where in the Bible does it say that - I am definitely not writing this blog as a hammering of my dogma. I just thought I would write up some of my thinkings on the subject as it has been on my heart and mind a lot lately.

For this post, four things:

#1 I've thought a lot about the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness. Sometimes they had faith, they were repentant, they were thankful. More often than not, they weren't. But God still led them. God led them. Come on, how can you follow something if you don't know what to do or where to go? What's the point of following if it isn't until you turn around a year later so that you can say, "Oh yeah, I see how that was You, Lord." Ah, perhaps "follow" means only to follow His commands, what is clear in the Scripture, and when it's not we use our judgment to decide what is most beneficial. 1 Corinthians 10:23, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up." Because we are free in Christ. We are not bound by law. We are free to love. ...But I guess that's not what I'm talking about. I know I make decisions. There's this and there's this. Both are either nonmoral or both are good and I choose one. ...But what about when you're lost like the people of Israel in the desert? You don't know what the options even are or perhaps there's a million options? A lot of people have told me, "Do what you want to do then!" But what if you don't even know what you want to do? Or even if you could say what you want, it's not something you could even get for yourself anyway (i.e., a husband [and all the specific details that I could attach to that] or a job, to be sure I could attempt at getting a job but, within my theology of the sovereignty of God, He's the One that decides whether or not I'll be hired.) Are all these questions making sense? ...Back to the Israelites. Exodus 13:17, "When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near." So we know that God did indeed lead them. "But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea" (v.18a) So how did He "lead" them? "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people" (vv.21-22). I know that it's the Old Testament but God's character does not change. He not only can lead but does lead specifically. It wasn't a following of a moral code or a law, it was a which way to go clear cut answer. "Katie, you think God will give you a cloud and a pillar of fire for direction?" I don't think He needs to. I think He's given me Someone far greater - His Holy Spirit living inside of me. (Okay, I better move on to #2 even though I could probably do a lot more thinking on #1 still.) But my point is that God has given clear direction on where to go, something that was obvious to follow. Why wouldn't He do that now if He was asked?

#2 Mary. I've thought about Mary a lot too. God told Mary, through way of Gabriel, what would take place. More than that, and in line with Chan's second quotation above, can you imagine not only the impossibility of it all but the fears and questions and concerns amongst her own people, other Jews that loved God and sought the Messiah, her own husband, would possibly have thought? God is crazy! Isn't He? This pure girl He makes pregnant (with Himself, no less) and what is she to say to everyone that asks her how her pregnancy came about? If I had been Mary, I could imagine myself fearfully wanting to know how to answer each person and what to do with my scarred heart when people didn't believe me. But God, in His perfect sovereignty, even knew His servant's heart of faith, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). And so when God does speak, how do I have faith when I might not be able to answer to what He has asked of me even when other people who know Him and want to live for Him as well can't understand and therefore can hardly encourage me in?

#3 The wise men had a star! "Oh, Katie, that was special just for them and just for the birth of Jesus." Well, reread my last six sentences under #1. And what about Joseph and the dream to go to Egypt (Matthew)? Again, my point in these passages is not to wonder (at this point), how the leading is happening but that there was specific guidance from God where to go, when to do it, and what in the world to do!

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All these days and nights over the past four months have been filled with Scriptures of waiting on the Lord, that He leads, that He guides. I love God's Word, I treasure it. God's Word is my lamp, to be sure. But the promises in His Word tell me these things. Do I believe that the God of this Word is alive and active, even living inside of me? He says He guides, He says He leads. Am I wrong in thinking that He will? These are clear promises.

I've been telling Him how confused I am. He is not confusion. He is mystery and enormity beyond all that I could imagine. But He is not confusion, ever. Many times I know my confusion is my fear. A lot of this fear, I believe, is compared to what the world tells me. I don't have any security. I have no job. I have hardly any money. I have no interested guy. I don't have a great body. You could try to convince me all you want that those things are good gifts from the Lord but I was reminded the other day that I can have but one Master. And I'm pretty sure I want the same Master of the Israelites, of Mary, and of the wise men.

Out of my heart wrenching agony to my Father the other night came this whisper, "Psalm 62." Huh, I was so confused that I wanted to pull out my hair thinking that this gentle voice could not possibly be Him, that's not how things work, I just got to read the Bible and figure everything out for myself even if I don't even know what I want. Might as well open to Psalm 62 and prove this whisper wrong!

Psalm 62
"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man according to his work."