email to em - 10/26/2001

"on one hand i do think i will totally go to master's for sure (you can pray about a good chunk of time for me to do my application and send everything i need to in by nov. 17 and also pray that i can do scholarships galore)... on the other hand i don't know if i'm having setbacks only because of my fear or if i really should look into other things... maybe if i at least looked into other things and didn't find anything else i would feel more at peace about going to master's... i know God would bless me for going to master's, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best place He wants me to be... so, kepp on praying, i guess... comments about what you said on the phone... remember back in jr. high or even last year i was so afraid of little kids... i could hardly take roll in the 1st and 2nd grade classroom because the kids were so intimidating... now, after four years of building myself teaching them and being with them and laughing with them and having fun and having them tell me about Jesus... it's a blessing all around... so perhaps, when i go to master's, that's what will happen... right now i say i won't like being surrounded by people that i don't know... but then i'll warm up to some of them and actually have friends... i made lasting friends over the weeks in mexico and belgium, why couldn't God help me to make lasting friends at master's? get what i'm saying. i'm just so afraid. i've been saying that phrase an awful lots lately. i know it's not good and it's not what God would have and it's not what God is. i just can't get rid of my fear only God can. but only you know how afraid of things i really am. gosh, when i write all this stuff out i see how dumb i am. i'm fearful now, yeah. but whenever God has nudged me beyond the comfort zone of my little boat before i have always been extremely blessed and ended up loving it beyond my wildest dreams. so, yeah. just pray. thank you. i love you."