A few of my mornings with the Lord have led me to John 16 about Jesus overcoming the world.
vv.25-28, Jesus says to his disciples, "I have said these things to you in figures of speech. The hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figures of speech but will tell you plainly about the Father. In that day you will ask in my name, and I do no not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf; for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and have come into the world, and now I am leaving the world and going to the Father."
A few things I noted:
Jesus says we can go straight to the Father because He "himself loves you." That's always super mind blowing, yes? Why? "Because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God." We know these things right? I mean, it's basically the theology of John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."
vv.29-30, "His disciples said, "Ah, now you are speaking plainly and not using figurative speech! Now we know that you know all things and do not need anyone to question you; this is why we believe that you came from God."
I don't really get the disciples' response there but listen to what Jesus says in return...
vv.31-32, Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me."
I think Jesus is referring to His passion week, the disciples running in fear. They will be confused and discouraged no doubt. Sins of distrust and unbelief waging war, i.e. Peter's denials. ...But they just said they understand and they believe. Jesus knows what's going to happen. Does He then ridicule them or laugh in their faces or get angry at their waywardness in His greatest time of need?
v33, Jesus says, "I have said these things to you, that in me you have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
He says have peace! Why? Because He has overcome the world.
He will conquer sin and the punishment from a just and holy God that goes along with it.
The disciples say they believe but they will sin horribly. God knows this. But Jesus says don't be overwhelmed by discouragement when this happens. Focus on Him, have peace, take heart...
Jesus has overcome the world!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
email to em - 10/26/2001
"on one hand i do think i will totally go to master's for sure (you can pray about a good chunk of time for me to do my application and send everything i need to in by nov. 17 and also pray that i can do scholarships galore)... on the other hand i don't know if i'm having setbacks only because of my fear or if i really should look into other things... maybe if i at least looked into other things and didn't find anything else i would feel more at peace about going to master's... i know God would bless me for going to master's, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best place He wants me to be... so, kepp on praying, i guess... comments about what you said on the phone... remember back in jr. high or even last year i was so afraid of little kids... i could hardly take roll in the 1st and 2nd grade classroom because the kids were so intimidating... now, after four years of building myself teaching them and being with them and laughing with them and having fun and having them tell me about Jesus... it's a blessing all around... so perhaps, when i go to master's, that's what will happen... right now i say i won't like being surrounded by people that i don't know... but then i'll warm up to some of them and actually have friends... i made lasting friends over the weeks in mexico and belgium, why couldn't God help me to make lasting friends at master's? get what i'm saying. i'm just so afraid. i've been saying that phrase an awful lots lately. i know it's not good and it's not what God would have and it's not what God is. i just can't get rid of my fear only God can. but only you know how afraid of things i really am. gosh, when i write all this stuff out i see how dumb i am. i'm fearful now, yeah. but whenever God has nudged me beyond the comfort zone of my little boat before i have always been extremely blessed and ended up loving it beyond my wildest dreams. so, yeah. just pray. thank you. i love you."
Monday, January 18, 2010
update
Thank you, Lord, for the beautiful rain! It's so relaxing and refreshing.
"...You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
Wow. I never in a million years could have guessed what would happen at this point in my life as I sought the Lord. This past week has been filled with nothing short of enlightenment by Him who created me and formed me. At times I have been overwhelmed by fear but that is not of Him. I pray, He takes away the fear, and what is left is... is... enlightenment. That's the best word I can find for what is still taking place.
All my questions in my last post... where do I go for clarity? I go to Him; I go to His Word. So I wanted to look up all the passages in Scripture that had to do with waiting on the Lord. Then I decided that I should look for other passages too, passages containing "follow," "lead," and "guide." Then when I was looking through my concordance I decided to go through my entire concordance and write down any words with their passage references that had anything at all to do with waiting, leading, and guidance. I wrote down all the words and references and thus proceeded to search the Scriptures for answers, clarity, wisdom, teaching.
I'm on passage 110 of 360 I want to look up!
Key words: wait, follow, lead, guide, guidance, choose, desire, destined, direct, discern/-ment, free/-d/-dom, help, idle, instruct/-ion, know/-ing/-n/-s, need, path, plan, requests, search, sluggard, steward, teach/-ing/-s, tomorrow, will/-s, wisdom, and wise.
So after I finish and then organize them all, I will try to be as concise as possible but also share all of my findings, all that He is teaching!
...
Okay, for the rest of this post, I wanted to share another thing I found very, very interesting just this morning. I was working on my list of things I want to do with my life (this has to do with some of my findings but I will write more later concerning the whys and so forth, again, when I'm finished with my research.) On March, 28th of 2009, I had written in my journal a list of different desires I had. I was going through that list and doing some revising this morning, although not much. I am not going to share all of my desires or the specifics of some of them but I was just amazed and dumbfounded into nothing but gratitude after looking at my list.
(in no particular order, again with many desires unwritten and many details omitted)
#1 Know and love Jesus more. - Well this is certainly happening, especially in this last week!
#2 Teach ESL. - I just found a one hour a week ESL cafe that desperately needed more English speakers. It's part of a ministry called International Christian Fellowship. Just the story of how I found out about it is nothing short of absolutely being God's hand. It may not be teaching full-time ESL and making tons of money but it is in fact part of my desire and God is supplying.
#3 Be hospitable. - Maybe this doesn't totally count but I do see any housework (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I do for my family as practice for being hospitable. I also thought of the birthday dinner party I'm having at home, it looks like there will be about 20 people here. I enjoy having company, making dinner for them, and, yes, even cleaning up after them. Isn't God cool?
#4 Enjoy good food. - You may scoff at this desire but it is true nonetheless. I'm amazed at God's creativity when I cook and enjoy good food. I have to admit, living with my Grandma has certainly provided opportunity for this. Praise the Lord for 4 seasons Aviara!
#5 Be a part of a church. - I love CCC. I love them. The Lord has given me opportunities to love and be loved, to serve and be served. Teaching children's Sunday school is an excellent way of doing both.
#6 Be a global Christian, love missions, get others to love missions, be involved. - I could of course use the opportunities the Lord gave me to tell people of where He led me this summer but He has also done more. Just this past Friday I was invited to the start of missions month at Escondido Christian School where I led the elementary chapel. I participated 6 of the 5th graders and excitedly talked about different countries the Lord had let me serve in - Mexico, Belgium, Uganda, Micronesia, Iraq, and Ukraine. Hopefully I was able to share some wonderful things about the Lord and the people all over the world that He loves with these kids. Also, with my mom on the mission board at church, I am now helping a lot with the mission conference in February. See all the little ways God is graciously, graciously blessing?
#7 Be involved with an international children's choir. - Okay, I don't wish to give you tons of details about this or why I want it and so forth and, at first, I just skimmed over this number thinking it was way in the future. But then I realized, God gave me an opportunity; again, okay, not exactly my desire, but still part of it and still great. The Ugandan Orphan Choir came to my church, not only did I get to simply hear them worship our great God on Sunday morning but I was able to hang out with them at Legoland and then in the evening during dinner. By Sunday morning I had made beloved friends that I will remember forever. They came up to me! It is wonderful to be known and to know, to be delighted in and delight in!!!
Can you believe the things that the Lord has graciously allowed me to be a part of in these past months? When I have been so angry and annoyed and impatient and... look! It makes me excited to think about what He will do in and through me when I am rejoicing in Him, walking close by His side, and praising Him all the live-long day!
"...You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:12-14a
Wow. I never in a million years could have guessed what would happen at this point in my life as I sought the Lord. This past week has been filled with nothing short of enlightenment by Him who created me and formed me. At times I have been overwhelmed by fear but that is not of Him. I pray, He takes away the fear, and what is left is... is... enlightenment. That's the best word I can find for what is still taking place.
All my questions in my last post... where do I go for clarity? I go to Him; I go to His Word. So I wanted to look up all the passages in Scripture that had to do with waiting on the Lord. Then I decided that I should look for other passages too, passages containing "follow," "lead," and "guide." Then when I was looking through my concordance I decided to go through my entire concordance and write down any words with their passage references that had anything at all to do with waiting, leading, and guidance. I wrote down all the words and references and thus proceeded to search the Scriptures for answers, clarity, wisdom, teaching.
I'm on passage 110 of 360 I want to look up!
Key words: wait, follow, lead, guide, guidance, choose, desire, destined, direct, discern/-ment, free/-d/-dom, help, idle, instruct/-ion, know/-ing/-n/-s, need, path, plan, requests, search, sluggard, steward, teach/-ing/-s, tomorrow, will/-s, wisdom, and wise.
So after I finish and then organize them all, I will try to be as concise as possible but also share all of my findings, all that He is teaching!
...
Okay, for the rest of this post, I wanted to share another thing I found very, very interesting just this morning. I was working on my list of things I want to do with my life (this has to do with some of my findings but I will write more later concerning the whys and so forth, again, when I'm finished with my research.) On March, 28th of 2009, I had written in my journal a list of different desires I had. I was going through that list and doing some revising this morning, although not much. I am not going to share all of my desires or the specifics of some of them but I was just amazed and dumbfounded into nothing but gratitude after looking at my list.
(in no particular order, again with many desires unwritten and many details omitted)
#1 Know and love Jesus more. - Well this is certainly happening, especially in this last week!
#2 Teach ESL. - I just found a one hour a week ESL cafe that desperately needed more English speakers. It's part of a ministry called International Christian Fellowship. Just the story of how I found out about it is nothing short of absolutely being God's hand. It may not be teaching full-time ESL and making tons of money but it is in fact part of my desire and God is supplying.
#3 Be hospitable. - Maybe this doesn't totally count but I do see any housework (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I do for my family as practice for being hospitable. I also thought of the birthday dinner party I'm having at home, it looks like there will be about 20 people here. I enjoy having company, making dinner for them, and, yes, even cleaning up after them. Isn't God cool?
#4 Enjoy good food. - You may scoff at this desire but it is true nonetheless. I'm amazed at God's creativity when I cook and enjoy good food. I have to admit, living with my Grandma has certainly provided opportunity for this. Praise the Lord for 4 seasons Aviara!
#5 Be a part of a church. - I love CCC. I love them. The Lord has given me opportunities to love and be loved, to serve and be served. Teaching children's Sunday school is an excellent way of doing both.
#6 Be a global Christian, love missions, get others to love missions, be involved. - I could of course use the opportunities the Lord gave me to tell people of where He led me this summer but He has also done more. Just this past Friday I was invited to the start of missions month at Escondido Christian School where I led the elementary chapel. I participated 6 of the 5th graders and excitedly talked about different countries the Lord had let me serve in - Mexico, Belgium, Uganda, Micronesia, Iraq, and Ukraine. Hopefully I was able to share some wonderful things about the Lord and the people all over the world that He loves with these kids. Also, with my mom on the mission board at church, I am now helping a lot with the mission conference in February. See all the little ways God is graciously, graciously blessing?
#7 Be involved with an international children's choir. - Okay, I don't wish to give you tons of details about this or why I want it and so forth and, at first, I just skimmed over this number thinking it was way in the future. But then I realized, God gave me an opportunity; again, okay, not exactly my desire, but still part of it and still great. The Ugandan Orphan Choir came to my church, not only did I get to simply hear them worship our great God on Sunday morning but I was able to hang out with them at Legoland and then in the evening during dinner. By Sunday morning I had made beloved friends that I will remember forever. They came up to me! It is wonderful to be known and to know, to be delighted in and delight in!!!
Can you believe the things that the Lord has graciously allowed me to be a part of in these past months? When I have been so angry and annoyed and impatient and... look! It makes me excited to think about what He will do in and through me when I am rejoicing in Him, walking close by His side, and praising Him all the live-long day!
Monday, January 11, 2010
brainstorming
"A life of following Christ requires relinquishing those fears when they do come. It means refusing to let your fears of what others think, your fears of rejection, keep you from pursuing the truth about the Holy Spirit and whatever else God is teaching you and calling you to." (p.46)
"The truth is that the Spirit of the living God is guaranteed to ask you to go somewhere or do something you wouldn't normally want or choose to do." (p.50)
"...the point is that we need to base our understanding of and experience with the Holy Spirit on biblical truth and not on fear." (p.53)
"Where does your allegiance lie? Do you care about what people think when they see you, or do you care about seeking the truth concerning the Spirit of God and then living in light of the truth, holding to those promises, and enjoying that relationship?" (p.54)
-- Francis Chan, Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit
...
I've decided I need to do some biblical digging on the theology of "wait."
...
You've heard the big question - "What is God's will for my life?" I'm sure you've heard many answers on what "that" is too or at least where one might be able to find "it." I have. And, to be honest, a lot of the answers haven't answered my questions.
God's will is explicit in the Bible. Fact. I totally agree.
All that He wants me to know about what to do in my life is explicit in the Bible. I just don't agree with that. I almost put that I don't know if I agree with that but then things would really start getting weird. Both my decision to go to Chuuk the first time and to go to Iraq were not something I found in the Bible, nor were they a decision I made out of many options in which I thought the Lord would be pleased. I made those decisions because I felt (yes, I emotively felt) that God asked me (yes, specifically and practically with audible voice) to go to these places. Deciding not to do as He asked would have been disobedience. But I didn't find those answers in the Bible; I had been walking closely with the Lord through prayer and reading and meditating on His Word and with that the Holy Spirit's presence, authority, and direction were that clear (hence the quotes written earlier.)
This time in my life has had me thinking a lot about how the Lord leads people. Please hear me though, just as much as (now) I wouldn't say that kissing a man before I was his wife would be blatant sin - it couldn't be said so because no where in the Bible does it say that - I am definitely not writing this blog as a hammering of my dogma. I just thought I would write up some of my thinkings on the subject as it has been on my heart and mind a lot lately.
For this post, four things:
#1 I've thought a lot about the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness. Sometimes they had faith, they were repentant, they were thankful. More often than not, they weren't. But God still led them. God led them. Come on, how can you follow something if you don't know what to do or where to go? What's the point of following if it isn't until you turn around a year later so that you can say, "Oh yeah, I see how that was You, Lord." Ah, perhaps "follow" means only to follow His commands, what is clear in the Scripture, and when it's not we use our judgment to decide what is most beneficial. 1 Corinthians 10:23, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up." Because we are free in Christ. We are not bound by law. We are free to love. ...But I guess that's not what I'm talking about. I know I make decisions. There's this and there's this. Both are either nonmoral or both are good and I choose one. ...But what about when you're lost like the people of Israel in the desert? You don't know what the options even are or perhaps there's a million options? A lot of people have told me, "Do what you want to do then!" But what if you don't even know what you want to do? Or even if you could say what you want, it's not something you could even get for yourself anyway (i.e., a husband [and all the specific details that I could attach to that] or a job, to be sure I could attempt at getting a job but, within my theology of the sovereignty of God, He's the One that decides whether or not I'll be hired.) Are all these questions making sense? ...Back to the Israelites. Exodus 13:17, "When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near." So we know that God did indeed lead them. "But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea" (v.18a) So how did He "lead" them? "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people" (vv.21-22). I know that it's the Old Testament but God's character does not change. He not only can lead but does lead specifically. It wasn't a following of a moral code or a law, it was a which way to go clear cut answer. "Katie, you think God will give you a cloud and a pillar of fire for direction?" I don't think He needs to. I think He's given me Someone far greater - His Holy Spirit living inside of me. (Okay, I better move on to #2 even though I could probably do a lot more thinking on #1 still.) But my point is that God has given clear direction on where to go, something that was obvious to follow. Why wouldn't He do that now if He was asked?
#2 Mary. I've thought about Mary a lot too. God told Mary, through way of Gabriel, what would take place. More than that, and in line with Chan's second quotation above, can you imagine not only the impossibility of it all but the fears and questions and concerns amongst her own people, other Jews that loved God and sought the Messiah, her own husband, would possibly have thought? God is crazy! Isn't He? This pure girl He makes pregnant (with Himself, no less) and what is she to say to everyone that asks her how her pregnancy came about? If I had been Mary, I could imagine myself fearfully wanting to know how to answer each person and what to do with my scarred heart when people didn't believe me. But God, in His perfect sovereignty, even knew His servant's heart of faith, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). And so when God does speak, how do I have faith when I might not be able to answer to what He has asked of me even when other people who know Him and want to live for Him as well can't understand and therefore can hardly encourage me in?
#3 The wise men had a star! "Oh, Katie, that was special just for them and just for the birth of Jesus." Well, reread my last six sentences under #1. And what about Joseph and the dream to go to Egypt (Matthew)? Again, my point in these passages is not to wonder (at this point), how the leading is happening but that there was specific guidance from God where to go, when to do it, and what in the world to do!
...
All these days and nights over the past four months have been filled with Scriptures of waiting on the Lord, that He leads, that He guides. I love God's Word, I treasure it. God's Word is my lamp, to be sure. But the promises in His Word tell me these things. Do I believe that the God of this Word is alive and active, even living inside of me? He says He guides, He says He leads. Am I wrong in thinking that He will? These are clear promises.
I've been telling Him how confused I am. He is not confusion. He is mystery and enormity beyond all that I could imagine. But He is not confusion, ever. Many times I know my confusion is my fear. A lot of this fear, I believe, is compared to what the world tells me. I don't have any security. I have no job. I have hardly any money. I have no interested guy. I don't have a great body. You could try to convince me all you want that those things are good gifts from the Lord but I was reminded the other day that I can have but one Master. And I'm pretty sure I want the same Master of the Israelites, of Mary, and of the wise men.
Out of my heart wrenching agony to my Father the other night came this whisper, "Psalm 62." Huh, I was so confused that I wanted to pull out my hair thinking that this gentle voice could not possibly be Him, that's not how things work, I just got to read the Bible and figure everything out for myself even if I don't even know what I want. Might as well open to Psalm 62 and prove this whisper wrong!
Psalm 62
"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man according to his work."
"The truth is that the Spirit of the living God is guaranteed to ask you to go somewhere or do something you wouldn't normally want or choose to do." (p.50)
"...the point is that we need to base our understanding of and experience with the Holy Spirit on biblical truth and not on fear." (p.53)
"Where does your allegiance lie? Do you care about what people think when they see you, or do you care about seeking the truth concerning the Spirit of God and then living in light of the truth, holding to those promises, and enjoying that relationship?" (p.54)
-- Francis Chan, Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit
...
I've decided I need to do some biblical digging on the theology of "wait."
...
You've heard the big question - "What is God's will for my life?" I'm sure you've heard many answers on what "that" is too or at least where one might be able to find "it." I have. And, to be honest, a lot of the answers haven't answered my questions.
God's will is explicit in the Bible. Fact. I totally agree.
All that He wants me to know about what to do in my life is explicit in the Bible. I just don't agree with that. I almost put that I don't know if I agree with that but then things would really start getting weird. Both my decision to go to Chuuk the first time and to go to Iraq were not something I found in the Bible, nor were they a decision I made out of many options in which I thought the Lord would be pleased. I made those decisions because I felt (yes, I emotively felt) that God asked me (yes, specifically and practically with audible voice) to go to these places. Deciding not to do as He asked would have been disobedience. But I didn't find those answers in the Bible; I had been walking closely with the Lord through prayer and reading and meditating on His Word and with that the Holy Spirit's presence, authority, and direction were that clear (hence the quotes written earlier.)
This time in my life has had me thinking a lot about how the Lord leads people. Please hear me though, just as much as (now) I wouldn't say that kissing a man before I was his wife would be blatant sin - it couldn't be said so because no where in the Bible does it say that - I am definitely not writing this blog as a hammering of my dogma. I just thought I would write up some of my thinkings on the subject as it has been on my heart and mind a lot lately.
For this post, four things:
#1 I've thought a lot about the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness. Sometimes they had faith, they were repentant, they were thankful. More often than not, they weren't. But God still led them. God led them. Come on, how can you follow something if you don't know what to do or where to go? What's the point of following if it isn't until you turn around a year later so that you can say, "Oh yeah, I see how that was You, Lord." Ah, perhaps "follow" means only to follow His commands, what is clear in the Scripture, and when it's not we use our judgment to decide what is most beneficial. 1 Corinthians 10:23, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up." Because we are free in Christ. We are not bound by law. We are free to love. ...But I guess that's not what I'm talking about. I know I make decisions. There's this and there's this. Both are either nonmoral or both are good and I choose one. ...But what about when you're lost like the people of Israel in the desert? You don't know what the options even are or perhaps there's a million options? A lot of people have told me, "Do what you want to do then!" But what if you don't even know what you want to do? Or even if you could say what you want, it's not something you could even get for yourself anyway (i.e., a husband [and all the specific details that I could attach to that] or a job, to be sure I could attempt at getting a job but, within my theology of the sovereignty of God, He's the One that decides whether or not I'll be hired.) Are all these questions making sense? ...Back to the Israelites. Exodus 13:17, "When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near." So we know that God did indeed lead them. "But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea" (v.18a) So how did He "lead" them? "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people" (vv.21-22). I know that it's the Old Testament but God's character does not change. He not only can lead but does lead specifically. It wasn't a following of a moral code or a law, it was a which way to go clear cut answer. "Katie, you think God will give you a cloud and a pillar of fire for direction?" I don't think He needs to. I think He's given me Someone far greater - His Holy Spirit living inside of me. (Okay, I better move on to #2 even though I could probably do a lot more thinking on #1 still.) But my point is that God has given clear direction on where to go, something that was obvious to follow. Why wouldn't He do that now if He was asked?
#2 Mary. I've thought about Mary a lot too. God told Mary, through way of Gabriel, what would take place. More than that, and in line with Chan's second quotation above, can you imagine not only the impossibility of it all but the fears and questions and concerns amongst her own people, other Jews that loved God and sought the Messiah, her own husband, would possibly have thought? God is crazy! Isn't He? This pure girl He makes pregnant (with Himself, no less) and what is she to say to everyone that asks her how her pregnancy came about? If I had been Mary, I could imagine myself fearfully wanting to know how to answer each person and what to do with my scarred heart when people didn't believe me. But God, in His perfect sovereignty, even knew His servant's heart of faith, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). And so when God does speak, how do I have faith when I might not be able to answer to what He has asked of me even when other people who know Him and want to live for Him as well can't understand and therefore can hardly encourage me in?
#3 The wise men had a star! "Oh, Katie, that was special just for them and just for the birth of Jesus." Well, reread my last six sentences under #1. And what about Joseph and the dream to go to Egypt (Matthew)? Again, my point in these passages is not to wonder (at this point), how the leading is happening but that there was specific guidance from God where to go, when to do it, and what in the world to do!
...
All these days and nights over the past four months have been filled with Scriptures of waiting on the Lord, that He leads, that He guides. I love God's Word, I treasure it. God's Word is my lamp, to be sure. But the promises in His Word tell me these things. Do I believe that the God of this Word is alive and active, even living inside of me? He says He guides, He says He leads. Am I wrong in thinking that He will? These are clear promises.
I've been telling Him how confused I am. He is not confusion. He is mystery and enormity beyond all that I could imagine. But He is not confusion, ever. Many times I know my confusion is my fear. A lot of this fear, I believe, is compared to what the world tells me. I don't have any security. I have no job. I have hardly any money. I have no interested guy. I don't have a great body. You could try to convince me all you want that those things are good gifts from the Lord but I was reminded the other day that I can have but one Master. And I'm pretty sure I want the same Master of the Israelites, of Mary, and of the wise men.
Out of my heart wrenching agony to my Father the other night came this whisper, "Psalm 62." Huh, I was so confused that I wanted to pull out my hair thinking that this gentle voice could not possibly be Him, that's not how things work, I just got to read the Bible and figure everything out for myself even if I don't even know what I want. Might as well open to Psalm 62 and prove this whisper wrong!
Psalm 62
"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man according to his work."
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
a year gone by... the past few months too.
"The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it." - Ernest Hemingway
I saw this quote the other day when I was with Kayti down in Seaport Village on San Diego's harbor. I don't know what I think of it really; I definitely don't completely agree but...
It reminded me of my blog.
...
2010. Can I believe it? Not the number so much or where we are in history, but all that has happened in my life particularly in the past 14 months.
I can still recall the days in November of 2008, spending time with the Lord on my hand-quilted bed, looking out at the woods south of CIU, and wondering if it was really the Spirit's whispering, "Iraq," into my ear. I remember being overwhelmed with peace and excitement when I believed and said, "Ok."
I remember weeks up at the Mouth with Grandma and Grandpa. And my letter I wrote.
I remember being confused about so desperately wanting to be a particular someone's wife and wondering how it could be so when he did not want me and the very core of why I loved God was because He did want me after all - "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)."
I remember the absolutely gorgeous sights of the Florida Keys and the perfect weather where my parents took Sam and me for my dad's retirement vacation. It was my 49th state. I remember the alligators. I remember the fight with Sam. I remember the Kennedy Space Center.
I remember the call from Grandpa Eaton telling us about Uncle Zane's accident. He probably wouldn't make it. I remember Mom crying. I remember Dad praying. He's still here today.
Mom, Dad, and I went to Charleston. The weather wasn't gorgeously perfect like the Keys but it was beautiful and we had a great time together.
I remember going to Dancing with the Phil in downtown Columbia and although it wasn't like Dancing with the Stars it was still special.
My birthday party with 30+ people in our little mobile home.
Anita and Priscilla singing "From the Inside Out" at the top of their lungs for hours. Laughing with them.
There was the most difficult class of my graduate work that semester. (I remember being frustrated at all the pain when I saw the "perfect" grade I somehow managed to get; I mean, grades don't matter anyway.) But I also remember Joe's class, his laugh, my fellow TEFLites, and our laughs in return.
I remember outings with Heather Mossop, hugs from Liz Miller, and singing four part harmony out of hymnbooks in the stairwell with a handful of undergrads.
I smile to think of times spent with Jennie Rongish and Jenn McGarvey.
There was also China fellowship and the last barbeque.
And Rebecca Boone's wedding. And crying my face off in the car with Kayti and Cindy and them taking care.
Of course, more than words can say, Donna and her beloved "J" as well as Cedar Creek Baptist.
I hardly remember graduation but I remember having similar feelings to when I graduated from Master's and then had two days before leaving for Uganda, although only six weeks, then my longest time being away from home.
Then there was the summer: D.C., Turkey, Iraq, Austria, Germany, Ukraine.
And now the past four months at home, my world not what I envisioned, not what I ever could have possibly imagined. The accident. The disabilities. The dead computer. The unanswered applications. The lack of communication.
The lack of communication with God.
It's funny how my blog is an (almost) tell-all of my life. You see posts of excitement and faith. What God has done. Faith He will do more. Some doubt but wanting to have faith; focused on Christ. Wondering but reading His promises. Asking but trying to hold fast. Doubt. Anger. Stubbornness. Less and less writings. Then none.
I hate life without God.
....
January 4th, 2010, it was time to, well, repent. Ask forgiveness from Him whom had always shown me nothing but love and grace and whom I had spat and raised my fist.
The Spirit took me to Psalm 106 this morning. The story of the last few months of my life.
"Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!" (Ps. 106, v.1)
"Both we and our fathers have sinned; we have committed iniquity we have done wickedness. Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the Sea, at the Read Sea." (vv. 6-7)
"Yet" (Praise God there's a yet!) "he saved them for his name's sake, that he might make known his mighty power." (v.8)
"Then they soon forgot his works;" (v. 13a) ...but what follows is what cut me to the core...
"They did not wait for his counsel." (v. 13b) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
"But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them." (vv. 14-15) Aaaaaaaah! My heart is in turmoil within me!
"They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things in Egypt." (v. 21)
It goes on and on for the next twenty verses; my heart ached.
"Many times he delivered them, but they were rebellious in their purposes and were brought low through their iniquity." (v. 43)
And then it was as if I had been holding my breath, parched for water, having gone months in a desert...
"Nevertheless" (Praise God! Praise God!) "He looked upon their distress, when he heard their cry. For their sake he remembered his covenant and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love." (vv. 44-45)
And the only outcome?
"Save us, O Lord our God, and gather us from among the nations, that we may give thanks to your holy name and glory in your praise. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting! And let all the people say, 'Amen!' Praise the Lord!" (vv. 47-48)
...
Over the past months there have been many times when I thought of something that I could "think" about on my blog. But I decided without God ruling my life, my life is futile. I might have been alive but I was not living.
So here I am again - living because, through, and for Christ, in His Spirit, because God the Father so loved me. He is the One who has delivered me from this body of death.
May He do in me as He wishes each day. And may you want the same for yourself.
I saw this quote the other day when I was with Kayti down in Seaport Village on San Diego's harbor. I don't know what I think of it really; I definitely don't completely agree but...
It reminded me of my blog.
...
2010. Can I believe it? Not the number so much or where we are in history, but all that has happened in my life particularly in the past 14 months.
I can still recall the days in November of 2008, spending time with the Lord on my hand-quilted bed, looking out at the woods south of CIU, and wondering if it was really the Spirit's whispering, "Iraq," into my ear. I remember being overwhelmed with peace and excitement when I believed and said, "Ok."
I remember weeks up at the Mouth with Grandma and Grandpa. And my letter I wrote.
I remember being confused about so desperately wanting to be a particular someone's wife and wondering how it could be so when he did not want me and the very core of why I loved God was because He did want me after all - "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)."
I remember the absolutely gorgeous sights of the Florida Keys and the perfect weather where my parents took Sam and me for my dad's retirement vacation. It was my 49th state. I remember the alligators. I remember the fight with Sam. I remember the Kennedy Space Center.
I remember the call from Grandpa Eaton telling us about Uncle Zane's accident. He probably wouldn't make it. I remember Mom crying. I remember Dad praying. He's still here today.
Mom, Dad, and I went to Charleston. The weather wasn't gorgeously perfect like the Keys but it was beautiful and we had a great time together.
I remember going to Dancing with the Phil in downtown Columbia and although it wasn't like Dancing with the Stars it was still special.
My birthday party with 30+ people in our little mobile home.
Anita and Priscilla singing "From the Inside Out" at the top of their lungs for hours. Laughing with them.
There was the most difficult class of my graduate work that semester. (I remember being frustrated at all the pain when I saw the "perfect" grade I somehow managed to get; I mean, grades don't matter anyway.) But I also remember Joe's class, his laugh, my fellow TEFLites, and our laughs in return.
I remember outings with Heather Mossop, hugs from Liz Miller, and singing four part harmony out of hymnbooks in the stairwell with a handful of undergrads.
I smile to think of times spent with Jennie Rongish and Jenn McGarvey.
There was also China fellowship and the last barbeque.
And Rebecca Boone's wedding. And crying my face off in the car with Kayti and Cindy and them taking care.
Of course, more than words can say, Donna and her beloved "J" as well as Cedar Creek Baptist.
I hardly remember graduation but I remember having similar feelings to when I graduated from Master's and then had two days before leaving for Uganda, although only six weeks, then my longest time being away from home.
Then there was the summer: D.C., Turkey, Iraq, Austria, Germany, Ukraine.
And now the past four months at home, my world not what I envisioned, not what I ever could have possibly imagined. The accident. The disabilities. The dead computer. The unanswered applications. The lack of communication.
The lack of communication with God.
It's funny how my blog is an (almost) tell-all of my life. You see posts of excitement and faith. What God has done. Faith He will do more. Some doubt but wanting to have faith; focused on Christ. Wondering but reading His promises. Asking but trying to hold fast. Doubt. Anger. Stubbornness. Less and less writings. Then none.
I hate life without God.
....
January 4th, 2010, it was time to, well, repent. Ask forgiveness from Him whom had always shown me nothing but love and grace and whom I had spat and raised my fist.
The Spirit took me to Psalm 106 this morning. The story of the last few months of my life.
"Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!" (Ps. 106, v.1)
"Both we and our fathers have sinned; we have committed iniquity we have done wickedness. Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the Sea, at the Read Sea." (vv. 6-7)
"Yet" (Praise God there's a yet!) "he saved them for his name's sake, that he might make known his mighty power." (v.8)
"Then they soon forgot his works;" (v. 13a) ...but what follows is what cut me to the core...
"They did not wait for his counsel." (v. 13b) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
"But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them." (vv. 14-15) Aaaaaaaah! My heart is in turmoil within me!
"They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things in Egypt." (v. 21)
It goes on and on for the next twenty verses; my heart ached.
"Many times he delivered them, but they were rebellious in their purposes and were brought low through their iniquity." (v. 43)
And then it was as if I had been holding my breath, parched for water, having gone months in a desert...
"Nevertheless" (Praise God! Praise God!) "He looked upon their distress, when he heard their cry. For their sake he remembered his covenant and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love." (vv. 44-45)
And the only outcome?
"Save us, O Lord our God, and gather us from among the nations, that we may give thanks to your holy name and glory in your praise. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting! And let all the people say, 'Amen!' Praise the Lord!" (vv. 47-48)
...
Over the past months there have been many times when I thought of something that I could "think" about on my blog. But I decided without God ruling my life, my life is futile. I might have been alive but I was not living.
So here I am again - living because, through, and for Christ, in His Spirit, because God the Father so loved me. He is the One who has delivered me from this body of death.
May He do in me as He wishes each day. And may you want the same for yourself.
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