gript

notes from Spurgeon

2010-02-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

"I know how to abound" (Philippians 4:12).

There are many who know "how to be abased," who have not learned "how to abound." When they are set on the top of a pinnacle, their heads grow dizzy, and they are ready to fall. The Christian far more often disgraces his profession in prosperity than in adversity. It is a dangerous thing to be prosperous. The crucible of adversity is a less sever trial to the Christian than the refining-pot of prosperity. Oh, what leanness of soul and neglect of spiritual things have been brought on through the very mercies and bounties of God! Yet, this not a matter of necessity, for the apostle tells us that he knew how to abound. When he had much, he knew how to use it. Abundant grace enabled him to bear abundant prosperity. It takes more than human skill to carry the brimming cup of mortal joy with a steady hand. Yet, Paul had learned that skill, for he declares, "In all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry." It is a divine lesson to know how to be full, for the Israelites were full once. But while the flesh was yet in their mouth, the wrath of God came upon them. Many have asked for mercies that they might satisfy their own hearts' lust. Fullness of bread has often made fullness of blood, and that has brought on wantonness of spirit. We are full, and we forget God. Satisfied with earth, we are content to do without heaven. Take care that you ask in your prayers that God would teach you "how to be full."

"You are there!" Psalm 139

2010-02-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

I used to say that I could live anywhere. Then God brought me back here.

How can one so spoiled, so overwhelmed by blessing be so ungrateful?

I remember being thankful in Chuuk. We didn't have water sometimes. We had to flush using buckets of rain that fell from our roof. We had to wash our hair by sticking our head into that same bucket. Or when our students were so nukumach. But it was like God kept pouring His love into our hearts for them. And somehow we managed to be thankful.

I remember being thankful in San Diego two summers ago, at Columbia International University, when the Lord led me to the Middle East this summer, and when He then let me go to Ukraine. Thankfulness prevailed.

What changed? What happened?

And God still continues to work in my life. And I've been wondering a lot lately how He works all things together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28).

good stuff

2010-02-05T13:43:00.000-08:00

wow. so much is happening. and, yet, nothing is happening from other perspectives. my circumstances - is this really my life? all these questions and trying to work things out with the Lord... it's been flowing through my journal to Him constantly. it finally made its way out, especially to my mother who had me on a furry the other day (well, i had myself on it.) but it's weird lately. it's different from before. i feel like God is actually going to teach me something life-changing through all these months of... questioning. not that He wasn't going to teach before but maybe, maybe... He sprouted the mustard seed in my heart.

my parents went on a cruise this past fall. they went with some best friends of theirs from way back. these friends had invited another couple along. my mom came home with a fiction book that the friend's friend had read, then she finished, then had passed to my mom. i took it off her shelf over a month ago. i finally started reading it a few days ago, could hardly put it down last night, read more when i woke up this morning, and finally finished it. it wasn't that great of a story in my opinion. it wasn't even a very well written book in my opinion. i won't name it on here.

but God used it in my brain. you know, it kept me thinking and rethinking about a lot of what i was already thinking. :)

it was more than just these but this is what i wanted to share with you all:

at the beginning of every chapter were quotes. i thought they were quite appropriate.

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." --Mother Teresa

"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my body is in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?" Psalm 6:2-3

"From childhood's hour I have not been
As other were - I have not seen
As others saw..."
-- "Alone," Edgar Allen Poe

"May the God of peace... equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you... all that is pleasing to him." Hebrews 13:21

"Because of God's tender mercy, the light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace." Luke 1:78-79

"Step with His light and keep following." --Elsi Dodge

"The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity and held safe in an everlasting embrace." --Henri J. M. Nouwen

"Even in darkness I cannot hide from you." Psalm 139:12

"Don't waste life in doubts and fears;
spend yourself on the work before you,
well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties
will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Who make people so they can... see or not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go, and do as I have told you. I will help you..." Exodus 4:11-12

"Adversity... usually takes us by surprise... To us it often appears completely senseless and irrational, but... God... has a purpose in every pain He brings or allows in our lives. He intends it for our profit and His glory." --Jerry Bridges

"I have sent them into captivity for their own good. ...I will give them hearts that will recognize me as the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me wholeheartedly." Jeremiah 24:6-7

"There are always uncertainties ahead, but there is always one certainty - God's will is good." --Vernon Paterson

"I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?" Jeremiah 32:27

"I can't say as I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days." --Daniel Boone

"O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me... You chart the path ahead of me... You both precede me and follow me." Psalm 139:1, 3, 5

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." ---C. S. Lewis

"Whether we like it or not, we will obey the Lord our God... For if we obey him, everything will turn out well for us." Jeremiah 42:6

"We cannot truly face life until we face the fact that it will be taken away from us." --Billy Graham

"The thought of my suffering... is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time." Lamentations 3:19-20

"He is blind who thinks he sees everything." --Charles Haddon Spurgeon

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

"The evil plan is most harmful to the planner." --Hesiod

"While their hatred may be concealed by trickery, it will finally come to light for all to see." Proverbs 26:26

"The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of." --Helen Keller

"You are God's field." 1 Corinthians 3:9

"Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced, and the inconvenience is often considerable." --Jane Austen

"You chart the path ahead of me." Psalm 139:3

"The conditions of conquest are always easy. We have but to toil awhile, endure awhile, believe always, and never turn back." --Marcus Annaeus Seneca

"Endurance develops strength of character." Romans 5:4

"What a man really wants is creative challenge... so that he may have the expanding joy of achievement." --Fay B. Nash

"If we are out of our mind, is for the sake of God." 2 Corinthians 5:13

"It's the constant and determined effort that breaks down all resistance, sweeps away all obstacles." --Clause M. Bristol

"I will give them singleness of heart." Ezekiel 11:19

"Don't let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter." --Oliver Goldsmith

"Woe to those who go to great depths to hide their plans from the Lord, who do their work in darkness and think, 'Who sees us? Who will know?'" Isaiah 29:15

"Want to make God laugh? Tell Him you've got plans." --Anonymous

"Stop right where you are! Look for the old, godly ways, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your soul." Jeremiah 6:16

"Each of us may be sure that if God sends us on stony paths He will provide us with strong shoes, and He will not send us out on any journey for which He does not equip us well." --Alexander MacLaren

"Beware, the Lord is about to take firm hold of you." Isaiah 22:17

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." --Mark Twain

"You don't understand now... someday you will." John 13:7

"None of us knows what the next change is going to be, what unexpected opportunity is just around the corner, waiting... to change all the tenor of our lives." --Kathleen Norris

"He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success." Job 5:12

"Life is all about timing... Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing." --Stacey Charter

"These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. if it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place." Habakkuk 2:3

"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Joel 2:32

"I trust everyone. I just don't trust the devil inside them." --Troy Kennedy-Martin

"What a difference between our sin and God's generous gift of forgiveness." Romans 5:15

"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance." --Robert Quillen

"Come now, let us reason together." Isaiah 1:18

"Art attracts us only by what it reveals of our most secret self." --Jean-Luc Godard

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

"Do not be afraid of tomorrow; for God is already there." --Anonymous

"You will have courage because you will have hope. You will be protected and will rest in safety." Job 11:18

"Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true." --Diane Arbus

"Both hands are skilled in doing evil." Micah 7:3

"In the midst of our dark and foggy times, all sorts of voices are shouting orders into the night, telling us what to do, how to adjust our lives. Out of the darkness, one voice signals something quite opposite to the rest - something almost absurd. But the voice happens to be the Light of the World, and we ignore it at our peril." --Paul Aiello Jr.

"I am overwhelmed, and you alone know the way I should turn." Psalm 142:3

"more things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of." --Alfred, Lord Tennyson

"It is not my heavenly Father's will that even one of these little ones should perish." Matthew 18:14

"A child's world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring is dimmed and even lost before we read adulthood." --Rachel Carson

"But I solemnly swear to keep you safe." Genesis 6:18

"Evil when we are in its power is not felt as evil but as a necessity, or even a duty." --Simone Weil

"Don't let evil get the best of you." Romans 12:21

"Not only do we not know God except through Jesus Christ; We do not even know ourselves except through Jesus Christ." --Blaise Pascal

"Then Jesus places his hands over the man's eyes again. As the man stared intently, his sight was completely restored; and he could see everything clearly." mark 8:25

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. And when you have finished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." --Victor Hugo

"I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction." Lamentations 3:21-22

"Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset." --Saint Francis De Sales

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will help you." Isaiah 41:10

"There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in our faith to make us unafraid." --Frederick W. Cropp

"And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

"There seemed to be endless obstacles... it seemed that the root cause of them all was fear." --Joanna Field

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Psalm 55:12

"This was the unkindest cut of all." --William Shakespeare

"My heart is in anguish... Oh, how I wish I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!... [For] it is not an enemy who taunts me - I could bear that... Instead, it is you - my equal, my companion and close friend." Psalm 55:4, 6, 12-13

"Long is our winter, dark is our night, Come set us free, O Saving Light!" --German Prayer

"Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me." Psalm 22:1

"We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them." --Charles C. West

"My thoughts are completely different from yours, says that Lord. And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." Isaiah 55:8

"Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair." --Admund Burke

"he lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." psalm 40:2

"The wicked are always surprised to find that the good can be clever." --Marquis De Vauvenargues

"Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me." Psalm 23:4

"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lost infinite hope." --Martin Luther King Jr.

"We who have fled to [God] for refuge can take new courage, for we can hold on to this promise with confidence. this confidence is like a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls." Hebrews 6:18-19

"While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions." --Stephen R. Covey

"A prudent person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions; the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences." Proverbs 22:3

"Show me a man who knows his own heart and to him I shall belong." --Hewel Kilcher

"And I can't stop! If I say I'll never mention [him] or speak his name, [it] burns in my heart like a fire. It's like a fire in my bones! I am weary of holding it in!" Jeremiah 20:9

"When the world says, 'Give up,' Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'" --Unknown

"But if we look forward to something we don't have yet, we must wait patiently and confidently." Romans 8:25

"Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so." --Marcus Aurelius

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully looks forward to sharing God's glory." Romans 5:1-2

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." --Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God." Deuteronomy 7:6

...And isn't that last verse fitting for such a blog as this?

He knows and loves us anyway.

2010-01-27T07:00:00.000-08:00

A few of my mornings with the Lord have led me to John 16 about Jesus overcoming the world.

vv.25-28, Jesus says to his disciples, "I have said these things to you in figures of speech. The hour is coming when I will no longer speak to you in figures of speech but will tell you plainly about the Father. In that day you will ask in my name, and I do no not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf; for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and have come into the world, and now I am leaving the world and going to the Father."

A few things I noted:
Jesus says we can go straight to the Father because He "himself loves you." That's always super mind blowing, yes? Why? "Because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God." We know these things right? I mean, it's basically the theology of John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

vv.29-30, "His disciples said, "Ah, now you are speaking plainly and not using figurative speech! Now we know that you know all things and do not need anyone to question you; this is why we believe that you came from God."

I don't really get the disciples' response there but listen to what Jesus says in return...

vv.31-32, Jesus answered them, "Do you now believe? Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me."

I think Jesus is referring to His passion week, the disciples running in fear. They will be confused and discouraged no doubt. Sins of distrust and unbelief waging war, i.e. Peter's denials. ...But they just said they understand and they believe. Jesus knows what's going to happen. Does He then ridicule them or laugh in their faces or get angry at their waywardness in His greatest time of need?

v33, Jesus says, "I have said these things to you, that in me you have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

He says have peace! Why? Because He has overcome the world.

He will conquer sin and the punishment from a just and holy God that goes along with it.

The disciples say they believe but they will sin horribly. God knows this. But Jesus says don't be overwhelmed by discouragement when this happens. Focus on Him, have peace, take heart...

Jesus has overcome the world!

email to em - 10/26/2001

2010-01-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

"on one hand i do think i will totally go to master's for sure (you can pray about a good chunk of time for me to do my application and send everything i need to in by nov. 17 and also pray that i can do scholarships galore)... on the other hand i don't know if i'm having setbacks only because of my fear or if i really should look into other things... maybe if i at least looked into other things and didn't find anything else i would feel more at peace about going to master's... i know God would bless me for going to master's, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best place He wants me to be... so, kepp on praying, i guess... comments about what you said on the phone... remember back in jr. high or even last year i was so afraid of little kids... i could hardly take roll in the 1st and 2nd grade classroom because the kids were so intimidating... now, after four years of building myself teaching them and being with them and laughing with them and having fun and having them tell me about Jesus... it's a blessing all around... so perhaps, when i go to master's, that's what will happen... right now i say i won't like being surrounded by people that i don't know... but then i'll warm up to some of them and actually have friends... i made lasting friends over the weeks in mexico and belgium, why couldn't God help me to make lasting friends at master's? get what i'm saying. i'm just so afraid. i've been saying that phrase an awful lots lately. i know it's not good and it's not what God would have and it's not what God is. i just can't get rid of my fear only God can. but only you know how afraid of things i really am. gosh, when i write all this stuff out i see how dumb i am. i'm fearful now, yeah. but whenever God has nudged me beyond the comfort zone of my little boat before i have always been extremely blessed and ended up loving it beyond my wildest dreams. so, yeah. just pray. thank you. i love you."

update

2010-01-18T15:48:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Lord, for the beautiful rain! It's so relaxing and refreshing.

"...You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord..." Jeremiah 29:12-14a

Wow. I never in a million years could have guessed what would happen at this point in my life as I sought the Lord. This past week has been filled with nothing short of enlightenment by Him who created me and formed me. At times I have been overwhelmed by fear but that is not of Him. I pray, He takes away the fear, and what is left is... is... enlightenment. That's the best word I can find for what is still taking place.

All my questions in my last post... where do I go for clarity? I go to Him; I go to His Word. So I wanted to look up all the passages in Scripture that had to do with waiting on the Lord. Then I decided that I should look for other passages too, passages containing "follow," "lead," and "guide." Then when I was looking through my concordance I decided to go through my entire concordance and write down any words with their passage references that had anything at all to do with waiting, leading, and guidance. I wrote down all the words and references and thus proceeded to search the Scriptures for answers, clarity, wisdom, teaching.

I'm on passage 110 of 360 I want to look up!

Key words: wait, follow, lead, guide, guidance, choose, desire, destined, direct, discern/-ment, free/-d/-dom, help, idle, instruct/-ion, know/-ing/-n/-s, need, path, plan, requests, search, sluggard, steward, teach/-ing/-s, tomorrow, will/-s, wisdom, and wise.

So after I finish and then organize them all, I will try to be as concise as possible but also share all of my findings, all that He is teaching!

...

Okay, for the rest of this post, I wanted to share another thing I found very, very interesting just this morning. I was working on my list of things I want to do with my life (this has to do with some of my findings but I will write more later concerning the whys and so forth, again, when I'm finished with my research.) On March, 28th of 2009, I had written in my journal a list of different desires I had. I was going through that list and doing some revising this morning, although not much. I am not going to share all of my desires or the specifics of some of them but I was just amazed and dumbfounded into nothing but gratitude after looking at my list.

(in no particular order, again with many desires unwritten and many details omitted)

#1 Know and love Jesus more. - Well this is certainly happening, especially in this last week!
#2 Teach ESL. - I just found a one hour a week ESL cafe that desperately needed more English speakers. It's part of a ministry called International Christian Fellowship. Just the story of how I found out about it is nothing short of absolutely being God's hand. It may not be teaching full-time ESL and making tons of money but it is in fact part of my desire and God is supplying.
#3 Be hospitable. - Maybe this doesn't totally count but I do see any housework (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I do for my family as practice for being hospitable. I also thought of the birthday dinner party I'm having at home, it looks like there will be about 20 people here. I enjoy having company, making dinner for them, and, yes, even cleaning up after them. Isn't God cool?
#4 Enjoy good food. - You may scoff at this desire but it is true nonetheless. I'm amazed at God's creativity when I cook and enjoy good food. I have to admit, living with my Grandma has certainly provided opportunity for this. Praise the Lord for 4 seasons Aviara!
#5 Be a part of a church. - I love CCC. I love them. The Lord has given me opportunities to love and be loved, to serve and be served. Teaching children's Sunday school is an excellent way of doing both.
#6 Be a global Christian, love missions, get others to love missions, be involved. - I could of course use the opportunities the Lord gave me to tell people of where He led me this summer but He has also done more. Just this past Friday I was invited to the start of missions month at Escondido Christian School where I led the elementary chapel. I participated 6 of the 5th graders and excitedly talked about different countries the Lord had let me serve in - Mexico, Belgium, Uganda, Micronesia, Iraq, and Ukraine. Hopefully I was able to share some wonderful things about the Lord and the people all over the world that He loves with these kids. Also, with my mom on the mission board at church, I am now helping a lot with the mission conference in February. See all the little ways God is graciously, graciously blessing?
#7 Be involved with an international children's choir. - Okay, I don't wish to give you tons of details about this or why I want it and so forth and, at first, I just skimmed over this number thinking it was way in the future. But then I realized, God gave me an opportunity; again, okay, not exactly my desire, but still part of it and still great. The Ugandan Orphan Choir came to my church, not only did I get to simply hear them worship our great God on Sunday morning but I was able to hang out with them at Legoland and then in the evening during dinner. By Sunday morning I had made beloved friends that I will remember forever. They came up to me! It is wonderful to be known and to know, to be delighted in and delight in!!!

Can you believe the things that the Lord has graciously allowed me to be a part of in these past months? When I have been so angry and annoyed and impatient and... look! It makes me excited to think about what He will do in and through me when I am rejoicing in Him, walking close by His side, and praising Him all the live-long day!

brainstorming

2010-01-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

"A life of following Christ requires relinquishing those fears when they do come. It means refusing to let your fears of what others think, your fears of rejection, keep you from pursuing the truth about the Holy Spirit and whatever else God is teaching you and calling you to." (p.46)

"The truth is that the Spirit of the living God is guaranteed to ask you to go somewhere or do something you wouldn't normally want or choose to do." (p.50)

"...the point is that we need to base our understanding of and experience with the Holy Spirit on biblical truth and not on fear." (p.53)

"Where does your allegiance lie? Do you care about what people think when they see you, or do you care about seeking the truth concerning the Spirit of God and then living in light of the truth, holding to those promises, and enjoying that relationship?" (p.54)

-- Francis Chan, Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit

...

I've decided I need to do some biblical digging on the theology of "wait."

...

You've heard the big question - "What is God's will for my life?" I'm sure you've heard many answers on what "that" is too or at least where one might be able to find "it." I have. And, to be honest, a lot of the answers haven't answered my questions.

God's will is explicit in the Bible. Fact. I totally agree.

All that He wants me to know about what to do in my life is explicit in the Bible. I just don't agree with that. I almost put that I don't know if I agree with that but then things would really start getting weird. Both my decision to go to Chuuk the first time and to go to Iraq were not something I found in the Bible, nor were they a decision I made out of many options in which I thought the Lord would be pleased. I made those decisions because I felt (yes, I emotively felt) that God asked me (yes, specifically and practically with audible voice) to go to these places. Deciding not to do as He asked would have been disobedience. But I didn't find those answers in the Bible; I had been walking closely with the Lord through prayer and reading and meditating on His Word and with that the Holy Spirit's presence, authority, and direction were that clear (hence the quotes written earlier.)

This time in my life has had me thinking a lot about how the Lord leads people. Please hear me though, just as much as (now) I wouldn't say that kissing a man before I was his wife would be blatant sin - it couldn't be said so because no where in the Bible does it say that - I am definitely not writing this blog as a hammering of my dogma. I just thought I would write up some of my thinkings on the subject as it has been on my heart and mind a lot lately.

For this post, four things:

#1 I've thought a lot about the children of Israel wandering around in the wilderness. Sometimes they had faith, they were repentant, they were thankful. More often than not, they weren't. But God still led them. God led them. Come on, how can you follow something if you don't know what to do or where to go? What's the point of following if it isn't until you turn around a year later so that you can say, "Oh yeah, I see how that was You, Lord." Ah, perhaps "follow" means only to follow His commands, what is clear in the Scripture, and when it's not we use our judgment to decide what is most beneficial. 1 Corinthians 10:23, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful, but not all things build up." Because we are free in Christ. We are not bound by law. We are free to love. ...But I guess that's not what I'm talking about. I know I make decisions. There's this and there's this. Both are either nonmoral or both are good and I choose one. ...But what about when you're lost like the people of Israel in the desert? You don't know what the options even are or perhaps there's a million options? A lot of people have told me, "Do what you want to do then!" But what if you don't even know what you want to do? Or even if you could say what you want, it's not something you could even get for yourself anyway (i.e., a husband [and all the specific details that I could attach to that] or a job, to be sure I could attempt at getting a job but, within my theology of the sovereignty of God, He's the One that decides whether or not I'll be hired.) Are all these questions making sense? ...Back to the Israelites. Exodus 13:17, "When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near." So we know that God did indeed lead them. "But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea" (v.18a) So how did He "lead" them? "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people" (vv.21-22). I know that it's the Old Testament but God's character does not change. He not only can lead but does lead specifically. It wasn't a following of a moral code or a law, it was a which way to go clear cut answer. "Katie, you think God will give you a cloud and a pillar of fire for direction?" I don't think He needs to. I think He's given me Someone far greater - His Holy Spirit living inside of me. (Okay, I better move on to #2 even though I could probably do a lot more thinking on #1 still.) But my point is that God has given clear direction on where to go, something that was obvious to follow. Why wouldn't He do that now if He was asked?

#2 Mary. I've thought about Mary a lot too. God told Mary, through way of Gabriel, what would take place. More than that, and in line with Chan's second quotation above, can you imagine not only the impossibility of it all but the fears and questions and concerns amongst her own people, other Jews that loved God and sought the Messiah, her own husband, would possibly have thought? God is crazy! Isn't He? This pure girl He makes pregnant (with Himself, no less) and what is she to say to everyone that asks her how her pregnancy came about? If I had been Mary, I could imagine myself fearfully wanting to know how to answer each person and what to do with my scarred heart when people didn't believe me. But God, in His perfect sovereignty, even knew His servant's heart of faith, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). And so when God does speak, how do I have faith when I might not be able to answer to what He has asked of me even when other people who know Him and want to live for Him as well can't understand and therefore can hardly encourage me in?

#3 The wise men had a star! "Oh, Katie, that was special just for them and just for the birth of Jesus." Well, reread my last six sentences under #1. And what about Joseph and the dream to go to Egypt (Matthew)? Again, my point in these passages is not to wonder (at this point), how the leading is happening but that there was specific guidance from God where to go, when to do it, and what in the world to do!

...

All these days and nights over the past four months have been filled with Scriptures of waiting on the Lord, that He leads, that He guides. I love God's Word, I treasure it. God's Word is my lamp, to be sure. But the promises in His Word tell me these things. Do I believe that the God of this Word is alive and active, even living inside of me? He says He guides, He says He leads. Am I wrong in thinking that He will? These are clear promises.

I've been telling Him how confused I am. He is not confusion. He is mystery and enormity beyond all that I could imagine. But He is not confusion, ever. Many times I know my confusion is my fear. A lot of this fear, I believe, is compared to what the world tells me. I don't have any security. I have no job. I have hardly any money. I have no interested guy. I don't have a great body. You could try to convince me all you want that those things are good gifts from the Lord but I was reminded the other day that I can have but one Master. And I'm pretty sure I want the same Master of the Israelites, of Mary, and of the wise men.

Out of my heart wrenching agony to my Father the other night came this whisper, "Psalm 62." Huh, I was so confused that I wanted to pull out my hair thinking that this gentle voice could not possibly be Him, that's not how things work, I just got to read the Bible and figure everything out for myself even if I don't even know what I want. Might as well open to Psalm 62 and prove this whisper wrong!

Psalm 62
"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
How long will all of you attack a man to batter him, like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position. They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths, but inwardly they curse.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Those of low estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man according to his work."

a year gone by... the past few months too.

2010-01-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

"The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it." - Ernest Hemingway

I saw this quote the other day when I was with Kayti down in Seaport Village on San Diego's harbor. I don't know what I think of it really; I definitely don't completely agree but...

It reminded me of my blog.

...

2010. Can I believe it? Not the number so much or where we are in history, but all that has happened in my life particularly in the past 14 months.

I can still recall the days in November of 2008, spending time with the Lord on my hand-quilted bed, looking out at the woods south of CIU, and wondering if it was really the Spirit's whispering, "Iraq," into my ear. I remember being overwhelmed with peace and excitement when I believed and said, "Ok."

I remember weeks up at the Mouth with Grandma and Grandpa. And my letter I wrote.

I remember being confused about so desperately wanting to be a particular someone's wife and wondering how it could be so when he did not want me and the very core of why I loved God was because He did want me after all - "We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)."

I remember the absolutely gorgeous sights of the Florida Keys and the perfect weather where my parents took Sam and me for my dad's retirement vacation. It was my 49th state. I remember the alligators. I remember the fight with Sam. I remember the Kennedy Space Center.

I remember the call from Grandpa Eaton telling us about Uncle Zane's accident. He probably wouldn't make it. I remember Mom crying. I remember Dad praying. He's still here today.

Mom, Dad, and I went to Charleston. The weather wasn't gorgeously perfect like the Keys but it was beautiful and we had a great time together.

I remember going to Dancing with the Phil in downtown Columbia and although it wasn't like Dancing with the Stars it was still special.

My birthday party with 30+ people in our little mobile home.

Anita and Priscilla singing "From the Inside Out" at the top of their lungs for hours. Laughing with them.

There was the most difficult class of my graduate work that semester. (I remember being frustrated at all the pain when I saw the "perfect" grade I somehow managed to get; I mean, grades don't matter anyway.) But I also remember Joe's class, his laugh, my fellow TEFLites, and our laughs in return.

I remember outings with Heather Mossop, hugs from Liz Miller, and singing four part harmony out of hymnbooks in the stairwell with a handful of undergrads.

I smile to think of times spent with Jennie Rongish and Jenn McGarvey.

There was also China fellowship and the last barbeque.

And Rebecca Boone's wedding. And crying my face off in the car with Kayti and Cindy and them taking care.

Of course, more than words can say, Donna and her beloved "J" as well as Cedar Creek Baptist.

I hardly remember graduation but I remember having similar feelings to when I graduated from Master's and then had two days before leaving for Uganda, although only six weeks, then my longest time being away from home.

Then there was the summer: D.C., Turkey, Iraq, Austria, Germany, Ukraine.

And now the past four months at home, my world not what I envisioned, not what I ever could have possibly imagined. The accident. The disabilities. The dead computer. The unanswered applications. The lack of communication.

The lack of communication with God.

It's funny how my blog is an (almost) tell-all of my life. You see posts of excitement and faith. What God has done. Faith He will do more. Some doubt but wanting to have faith; focused on Christ. Wondering but reading His promises. Asking but trying to hold fast. Doubt. Anger. Stubbornness. Less and less writings. Then none.

I hate life without God.

....

January 4th, 2010, it was time to, well, repent. Ask forgiveness from Him whom had always shown me nothing but love and grace and whom I had spat and raised my fist.

The Spirit took me to Psalm 106 this morning. The story of the last few months of my life.

"Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!" (Ps. 106, v.1)

"Both we and our fathers have sinned; we have committed iniquity we have done wickedness. Our fathers, when they were in Egypt, did not consider your wondrous works; they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the Sea, at the Read Sea." (vv. 6-7)

"Yet" (Praise God there's a yet!) "he saved them for his name's sake, that he might make known his mighty power." (v.8)

"Then they soon forgot his works;" (v. 13a) ...but what follows is what cut me to the core...

"They did not wait for his counsel." (v. 13b) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

"But they had a wanton craving in the wilderness, and put God to the test in the desert; he gave them what they asked, but sent a wasting disease among them." (vv. 14-15) Aaaaaaaah! My heart is in turmoil within me!

"They forgot God, their Savior, who had done great things in Egypt." (v. 21)

It goes on and on for the next twenty verses; my heart ached.

"Many times he delivered them, but they were rebellious in their purposes and were brought low through their iniquity." (v. 43)

And then it was as if I had been holding my breath, parched for water, having gone months in a desert...

"Nevertheless" (Praise God! Praise God!) "He looked upon their distress, when he heard their cry. For their sake he remembered his covenant and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love." (vv. 44-45)

And the only outcome?

"Save us, O Lord our God, and gather us from among the nations, that we may give thanks to your holy name and glory in your praise. Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting! And let all the people say, 'Amen!' Praise the Lord!" (vv. 47-48)

...

Over the past months there have been many times when I thought of something that I could "think" about on my blog. But I decided without God ruling my life, my life is futile. I might have been alive but I was not living.

So here I am again - living because, through, and for Christ, in His Spirit, because God the Father so loved me. He is the One who has delivered me from this body of death.

May He do in me as He wishes each day. And may you want the same for yourself.

Learn patience, stop stimulus.

2009-12-17T23:39:00.000-08:00

"We may be earnestly desiring to be obedient and holy. But we may be missing the fact that it is here, where we happen to be at this moment and not in another place or another time, that we may learn to love Him - here where it seems He is not at work, where His will seems obscure or frightening, where He is not doing what we expected Him to do, where He is most absent. Here and nowhere else is the appointed place. If faith does not go to work here, it will not go to work at all." --Elisabeth Elliot

I listened to a chapel message sent to me by a friend on patience. It was excellent. A few hours after listening to it the first time, I listened to it again in its entirety. Wow. Wow.

still finding things...

2009-12-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

"God does not give us overcoming life; He gives life as we overcome. The strain is the strength. If there is no strain there is no strength. Are you asking God to give you life and liberty and joy? He cannot, unless you will accept the strain. Immediately you face the strain, you will get the strength." - Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest"

"When you find yourself facing an issue in your life, the purpose or reason or good thing that might come out of it being completely hidden from you - what do you do? Do you worry and fret, become preoccupied with the problem? Do you ignore it or avoid it? Do you complain about it, do you want to run away from it? Or do you see it as a situation in which you might be able to experience the power and grace of God at work? Do you watch for the work of God that is to be done in his situation?" - Fr. John Yates, Falls Church

"[Fretting] always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not out to realize His own ideas; He was out to realize God's ideas." - Oswald Chambers

"Lord, it is hard to accept a negative answer, but keep us humble enough, patient enough, and faithful enough to trust. Thank You that You always answer our prayers in Your way with a yes or a no. How good it is to know that You never make a mistake." - Corrie ten Boom

Eng. Lit. response paper - 02/17/03

2009-12-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

Our lives can be summed up in one word: mutability. That is exactly what Shelley writes his poem on - a small summary of what life is like.

It is the same! - For, be it joy or sorrow,
The path of its departure still is free;
Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
Nought may endure but Mutability.

To be mutable is to be changeable, variable, fluctuating and inconsistent. Isn't that exactly what life is like when we stop and think about it? The reason that I selected this passage is because it is overwhelmingly full of truth. This particular stanza says that although all the days are filled with joys and sorrow they are all different. Everyone has different kinds of things that make you happy and different kinds of things that make you sad, but you will never have two of the exact same day. The only thing in life that will not change is change itself.

Something that stirred up my thoughts in this passage was how sometimes I go through a day and by the time I wake up the next morning and think about what the past twenty four hours has held for me, it seems wasted, futile; and I will never gain it back. If Shelley thought that in his society and day things were always changing, what would he think to live in the United States today? We are so quick about our business that we don't even realize we are quick. We don't take time to step back and evaluate that there is joy and sorrow and every day holds something different and unexpected. At least Shelley has the logic to slow down and take a step back and examine what life is really like. Sure this poem reminds me of microwaves, instant messengers, and cell phones, but it also reminds me of my homework. I am so "rushed" to do my homework because I supposedly have so many other things to accomplish that it seems as though sometimes I forget to learn. We're hardly very knowledgeable in this day and age; we've simply learned to think quickly and memorize. How sad! I remember answering a question for Biblical Fundamentals last year that asked about our academic standings and goals and so forth. I remember writing that I wanted to learn, learning so that I know, not just so that I will get good grades was my goal. I want to know things so that even though the world may change I will build up my knowledge and know truth and fact and wisdom.

Change is inevitable. It is and always has been a part of human life. "Mutability" reminded me of the verse in James 4:14 that states, "For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." We need to be so careful that our days are not wasted. In the entire realm of humanity change includes new people being born and old people dying. I'm going to die (unless Jesus comes back). That is for sure a change, for me, my family, my friends, and everyone else I encounter in life. And yet the same joys and the same sorrows will continue throughout people's lives. Perhaps we should be like Shelley and examine what reality is really like sometime. If we don't examine life at all, we'll be gone before we know it.

English Literature response paper - 04/02/03

2009-12-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

Perhaps Emily Bronte is correct in her poem "I'm Happiest When Most Away." Perhaps true contentment for a woman lies beyond her existence to her family or to her husband, but I would go a step further and say that true contentment for all human beings lies beyond their mortal lives.

I'm happiest when most away
I can bear my soul from its home of clay
On a windy night when the moon is bright
And the eye can wander through worlds of light
When I am not and none beside
Nor earth nor sea nor cloudless sky
But only spirit wandering wide
Through infinite immensity.

Whether or not this poem is talking about day dreaming or watching a night sky, it simply talks about the mind wandering to new places, seemingly unreachable places. Let me think about my life and "bear my soul." Instead of looking at my life here on earth, let me look at the sky so my "eye can wander through worlds of light." If this is the only way to experience something new then let my "spirit [wander] wide through infinite immensity."

Everyone knows that littler girls are supposed to dream about their wedding day - what color bridesmaids dresses will be, who will be their bridesmaids, and of course which of the princes from all of the Disney movies will be their groom. Being a female has made it seem that I'm almost given the "right" to dream, to day dream, to open up my soul and think of things beyond. I thought by the time I went into junior high my day dreaming of my life to come would stop, but it didn't. It didn't stop in high school and it hasn't even begun to stop in college. In fact, I think it's gotten worse (probably) as the time draws closer. In fact, The Master's College community is very encouraging in the hopes to find a husband who plays the guitar and wants to be a youth pastor. So is that the daydream or the "wandering wide" spirit in Emily Bronte's poem? I don't think so. That hope, seemingly, is like every other girl's dream here at TMC. This poem is not about the people that want what everybody else assumes they will eventually get or is in the process of getting or already does have. There is something beyond that simplistic life. Let me "bear my soul from its home of clay." I don't want to be like everybody else. I want to be different. Perhaps, I won't go to the extreme that I don't want to ever get married or anything horrendous like that, however I don't want to marry a pastor and I don't want to get married right out of college and I don't want to be a house wife and raise four children. I believe I'm looking from the outside, hoping that I will never have to bear my soul elsewhere, dreaming about a different kind of life.

Just as we sometimes hear that if humans were all the same then the world would be boring, if our lives were all the same we would all want to get out of here. Most of the Victorian women led the same casual lifestyles. How boring is that? I would take it a step further though, and say that men feel exactly the same way. Don't most men work and provide income for their family household? Don't they ever want to "bear their soul" and let their "spirit [wander] wide through infinite immensity"? Yes, I'm sure they do. Of course, from a Christian perspective, the only life someone could live and be content would be a life indwelled by the Holy Spirit of the Living God. And yet, at the same time still, I think you still need times to "bear your soul", but in life with Him, He is exactly who you would bear your soul to.

my life right now

2009-12-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

"O ye of little faith, why did you doubt?" - Jesus

2009-11-24T15:48:00.001-08:00

i'm not exactly doing well. do i blog about that or what?

2009-11-18T13:00:00.001-08:00

dying!!!

rejoice always? he said it again, rejoice!

2009-11-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

man, i'm sick. different symptoms rolling and changing every three days since wednesday oct. 28th. this is getting ridiculous. the last two days i've had a sore on my tonsil which is killing me and putting tons of pressure on my left ear, you know how that goes? i'm just sick of not feeling well.

*sigh*

i know i don't come close to most people in this world's pain and suffering.

but i do have to admit that i thought of job yesterday. i was thinking about all those things that have seemed to completely gone out of my life (see the post on oct. 22nd entitled these days, His ways) in the last few months. things that i loved and are good things - yes? - and things that even assist in my relationship with the God of the universe through Jesus - surely! so do i ask, "why, God, have you seemingly taken these good things?" ...no. that is not faith. we know the promises of His Word. we know He does not withhold any good thing. so we praise Him and trust Him in the midst of the circumstances and life-changes. ...and what about now? a week and a half of illness, again certainly not as horrible as job but very uncomfortable nonetheless, right after getting offered a job. do i ask Him why? do i get angry and allow satan's plan to edge its way into my heart producing nothing but self-pity and sin? or is it "turn your eyes upon Jesus/look full in His wonderful face/and the things of earth will grow strangely dim/in the light of His glory and grace."

from a man changed by God

2009-11-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

"A truly balanced person retains a capacity for wonder and the willingness to express it in the very confession of a creaturehood, the spontanous acknowledgment that he is a human being and not a god, a being with limitations who, far from having embraced infinity, is happily and hopelessly engulfed by it." - Brennan Manning

recommendations

2009-11-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

The God I Love: A Lifetime of Walking with Jesus - A Memoir by Joni Eareckson Tada
This was another book that I had attempted to read at earlier stages of my life yet could never "get into." This time, it was different - who knows why. I could hardly put it down. It reads very much like a novel. Tada's vivid remembrances not only tied me into her life but also reminded me of my own. There were more than a few poignant times when I could hardly keep reading out of sheer shock that rose from similarities. These were usually emotions, thoughts, and particularly conversations with the Almighty that we've both had throughout our lives. So it became not only the God that Joni loves but the God that Katie loves as well. An encouragement from another member of the cloud.

The Purple Rose of Cairo (movie)
Don't let the stamp of Woody Allen turn you off. I watched this during my film class in college. I thought it was great then and I still think it's great now. Forcing my mom to watch it the other night brought on laughter for me and rolls-of-the-eyes for her. If you like wit and hilarity with enough to get you thinking about reality by the end, watch it.

Elisabeth Elliot books
Just finishing a short book of essays entitled Love Has A Price Tag. When I was younger, I held everything she had to say as Scripture, practically. But my eyes have been open to more peoples and beliefs, as well as to more of God Himself (praise Him!) I still thoroughly enjoy E.E. books, just with a better perspective now. God's work in her heart, more than just in her life circumstances, encourages and exhorts me. I always laugh with her and think with her. She does make me want to know my Savior more, whether or not I agree with everything she says. Other books I've read: A Chance to Die (the Amy Carmichael biography talked about in a few posts below), Through Gates of Splendor (a must-read missionary biography for anyone), Shadow the Almighty (a fantastic look at one that was changed by the unchangeable One), Passion and Purity, Quest for Love, Let Me Be A Woman, The Path of Loneliness, The Mark of a Man, and my personal favorite Secure in the Everlasting Arms.

The Lord of the Rings (movie)
Watched all three in less than 24 hours. Still has enough to emit huge emotive responses out of me. Tolkien (still the creator of the story) did what he wanted - "The prime motive was the desire of a tale-teller to try his hand at a really long story that would hold the attention of readers, amuse them, delight them, and at times maybe excite them or deeply move them" (J.R.R. Tolkien, Forward in TLotR).

...

I do not, however, recommend having flu-like symptoms for three days and then the common cold for three days more.

Nothing ever changes Him...

2009-10-27T13:31:00.001-07:00

God exhorted me to continue striving to do good (His grace always at constant work, to be sure, and the presence of the Holy Spirit the only power.) But how I wish it would not have to be a "striving." And He took me to Romans 8: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." I must live by the Spirit. Yield my soul, life, and all to Him. Live by faith in the Son of God who gave Himself up for me... and be thankful.

I am thankful for...
...a family that takes care of me, gives me a roof over my head, food in my belly, and many other amenities and blessings.
...the softest kitty in the whole world who will sleep with me and let me force-cuddle her.
...a piano.
...prayer and love support from my church family.
...my own room and precious quilts that I love.
...good books.
...clean, warm water to take showers and baths.
...a car for some "freedom".
...a plethora of other undeserved blessings - Lord, you are so kind!

But even if this list was void, wouldn't He Himself be enough? Enough peace and hope...to continue living by faith... and, out of gratitude, seeking to obey through His power.

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, 'Naked I come from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed, be the name of the Lord.' In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." Job 1:20-22

May it be said of me.

Nothing ever changes Him... nothing.

2009-10-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

it's foggy and my pace is getting slower...

these days, His ways

2009-10-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

My computer is kaput.
Almost all of my music is lost (and my CDs were stolen in Chuuk.)
Becca is on the other side of the world.
Donna is on the other side of the country.
Others are...
I let Cherie give away our kitty Elliot.
I don't have a job, a routine, a - as most people refer to it - "life."
I don't have money to spend aimlessly although that does nothing for matters of the heart anyway.
I'm busy.
I'm bored.
I'm more tired than I was all summer and all two years in grad. school.
...I'm also a huge complainer - and you, and I, and God despise complainers.

Where is He? Where is God?

Oh, He is here. He is definitely here. I have no doubt of that.

He is teaching me...
...service to those that are many times hardest for me to serve.
...patience as I wait, endurance.
...His particular care of my heart condition and attitude in all things.
...routine (? yes.) of daily serving others and not myself as I have been doing all the days of my life.
...He takes away for my good.

And He is continuing to teach me...
...that He is best,
...that His promises never fail,
...that He has purposes in all things for His glory, honor, and praise.

"Anisiei!" "Hari kari a min bike!" "Ayudame!"

"Help me!" I cry. I don't know how else to pray at this point.

But...

He has proven Himself to me. He will hear this cry, this plea for mercy, and He will answer... in His timing, in His way, for His most wonderful glory.

---

I finished Amy's biography. Chapter 27 - "The Lesson of the Weaned Child" - His lesson for me now?

One of Amy's precious colaborers died.

"We are not asked to SEE," said Amy. "Why need we when we KNOW?" We
know - not the answer to the inevitable Why, but the the incontestable
fact that it is for the best. It is an irreparable loss, but is it faith
at all if it is 'hard to trust' when things are entirely bewildering?"
...Others, with a sigh and a shake of the head, observed that it is difficult
for us human beings to escape bitterness, even dumb rage, when such things
happen. ..."It is indeed not only difficult, it is impossible," Amy
wrote. "There is only one way of victory over the bitterness and rage that
come naturally to us - To will what God wills brings peace." ...And as we
rest our hearts upon what we know (the certainty of the ultimate triumph of
good) leaving what we do not know to the Love that has led us all our life long,
the peace of God enters into us and abides.

And speaking of prayer, "We knew our Father. There was no need for persuasion. Would not His fatherliness be longing to give us our hearts' desire (if I may put it so)? How could we press Him as though He were not our own most loving Father?"

Elisabeth continues,

How was she to go on? She was an orphan. Her own parents gone,
her spiritual father and mother gone. She had not known life without such
support. Nor has the child, when weaning time comes, known life without
its unfailing source of nourishment. Like the weaned child, Amy knew that
the lesson assigned now was to learn to do without. She wrote another
prayer:
And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my father,
Until it be according
unto mine?
But, no, Lord, no, that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee
blend my human will with Thine.
I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs
of keen desire -
See in my quiet places, wishes thronging -
Forbid them,
Lord, purge, though it be with fire.
And work in me to will and Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful,
reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even
as a weaned child.

And so we arrive back to the title - A Chance to Die. I have actually thought much about this "dying" over the past years of my life. This seemingly crazy circle that few understand and even fewer attempt to realize in their own walking. We are living beings but only truly living with Christ. As those covered by His blood, we die to self to truly live. What does that mean? I do not think it is a daily meditation on our sin, then we would only indulge in self-pity and we are told to fix our eyes on the Author of our faith. But I do believe it is a moment-by-moment awareness of my heart in all its activities. Am I doing, serving, loving because Jesus did, served, and loved me? Are my movements each day brought on by gratitude and wonder and love to please my God? This is where my cry for help comes, from the depths of my failure at the sins of my heart which obviously are eventually if not totally portrayed in my actions. The same blood that justifies is the same blood that sanctifies. And I must choose to yield to His Spirit. I am beginning to believe that this is the sacrifice Christ asks of us - all the other sacrifices (sometimes more seemingly visible) He may ask of His own are only the further working out of what they already have sacrificed - their will, their soul, their all.

It is hard because of my sin but the burden is light because of the sacrifice already made - Christ Jesus, Himself. And remember, not just His death but the whole of His life on earth - leaving His throne, living on earth (as I ache to be rid of it!), then allowing excruciating pain, wanting to not go through it, but obeying His Father. And what happened? Resurrection, redemption, and reconciliation - the most glorious, wonderful thing EVER! Praise Him! Praise Jesus! Praise Yahweh! Praise Him alone!

"It was an act of faith, but certainly accompanied by the anguish of doubt and desire which had to be brought again and again under the authority of the Master."

"Here and nowhere else she would prove Him, here, in the vicissitudes and exigencies of the work assigned. Her Lord too had 'learned obedience.'"

"Home, with all its prohibitions and opportunities to die daily offered training far greater than any Bible school curriculum. It was a long obedience..."

"I am learning the lesson set to the weaned child. I am learning to do without."

Without... but Him.

unsuccessful self-solace strain... "Endure!"

2009-10-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

(a.k.a. failed self-pity struggle) also entitled "wallowing"

My bad days are... bad. And a waste, to say the least. Idiotic self-pity which stems only from thinking on falsehood, i.e. non-truths. I completely, willingly gave in to heart-sin (in other lingo, also known as "pouting") last night.

Satan uses anything to destroy. Satan whispers lies in my ear. I eventually believe, taking my eyes off Truth. Satan presents an all-you-can-eat buffet of self-pity. I gorge myself. When I sadly, ashamedly turn my eyes to get a glimpse of the Savior, Satan laughs. I doubt the all-sufficient grace of God.

And I find myself sitting in a pit that I dug, whether or not the tools were given to me by the Evil One.

And I think to myself, "How can people live like this?"

And then I think to myself, "How can I live like this ...after knowing Him who alone is Light, Love, and Life?"

Again Satan laughs at my doubt, my self-will, my pride. He loves it. Not because he loves me but because he hates glory to the Most High God, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, Jesus.

Jesus... who sacrificed everything, who taught valiantly, who loved eternally, and who forever defeated Satan through the power of His resurrection.

"My grace is sufficient for you," the God of glory whispered to me, without a trace of venom. God asked me to look at Him. He waited. Then He asked me again. Is all this grace, day after day after day possible? Does His love never let up? And my loving, gracious heavenly Father, whom I have fallen in love with no matter how imperfectly, in the most gentle, compassionate, love-pleading way said, "Endure. ...Endure."

Waiting to Watching

2009-10-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

The Lord reminded me of things on a to-do list that I could do during this time. Besides service to my family, there is writing and reading that can be accomplished. And it is already a blessing.

I gave the book as a gift. It was never read. Someone else read it. I read the first three chapters at least twice if not thrice over the past six years. Today I'm on chapter 23 and can hardly put it down. 28 chapters to go.

A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael - by Elisabeth Elliot

"The Christian life comes down to two simple things: trust and obedience." Amn't I finding that to be the truth? Later Amy asks, "Could it be right to turn from so much that might be of profit and become just nursemaids?" And Elisabeth writes, "The answer was yes. It is not the business of the servant to decide which work is great, which is small, which important or unimportant - he is not greater than his master." Every day matters to Him. Every day can be used by Him. Every day He cares about the condition of my heart.

And I'm being encouraged by others who have found Him to be just as He promises He is - faithful. "The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him." Concerning Amy's mother when her father died, Elisabeth writes, "Years later, Amy discovered in the margin of her mother's Bible, next to that promise, a tiny notation: 'Found true all along the line ever since.'" Praise Jesus - He has proven Himself true not just to me! Amy said, "He has been so kind about other things that we cannot doubt but that He will care for this too." As is my testimony, coming to this time in my life. Amy testifies and I echo, "Dear friends, I don't often write of these inner heart-things in my Scrapperies, but to the glory of His name let me witness that in far away lands, in loneliness (deepest sometimes when it seems least so), in times of downheartedness and tiredness and sadness, always always He is near. He does comfort, if we let Him. Perhaps someone as weak and good-for-nothing as even I am may read this. Don't be afraid! Through all circumstances, outside, inside, He can keep me close."

To be like Christ. To displace self from the inner throne, and to enthrone Him; to make not the slightest compromise with the smallest sin. We aim at nothing less than to walk with God all day long, to abide every hour in Christ and He and His words in us, to love God with all the heart and our neighbor as ourselves. ...It is possible to cast every care on Him daily, and to be at peace amidst pressure, to see the will of God in everything, to put away all bitterness and clamor and evil speaking, daily and hourly. It is possible by unreserved resort to divine power under divine conditions to become strongest through and through at our weakest point.
...by Bishop Handly Moule, Thoughts on Christian Sanctity

Elisabeth writes, "Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them." Have I not sat at my Savior's feet these past days, weeks? I could more and more. One of my turning points with my relationship with Him was J.R. passionately telling me, "Tell Him everything and anything. Whatever is on your heart. Just talk to Him. Tell Him. He will deal with it. He has heard everything and knows everything anyway. But you must tell Him. Just talk to Him. Tell Him, Katie. Tell Him all."

And Amy's testimony has reminded me of the realities of where I long to be serving, "Missionary work in a place where Christ has never been named is sometimes less arduous than in places where, though named, He has not been honored by lives of holy obedience. How were the heathen to see Christianity in action, how feel its force, when so many who went by the name of Christian were nothing more than the descendants of people who had 'crossed over' during 'one of those dreadful mass movements' of the early nineteenth century?" And when I think of those that have gently ridiculed my life by mentioning that I think too much on what even they say is reality:

If those friends who blame... could see what we see, and feel what we feel, they would be the first to wonder that those redeemed by Christ should be so backward in devotion, and know so little of the spirit of self-sacrifice. They would be ashamed of the hesitations that hinder us. But we must remember that it was not by interceding fro the world in glory that Jesus saved it. He gave Himself. Our prayers for the evangelization of the world are but a bitter irony so long as we only give of our superfluity and draw back before the sacrifice of ourselves.
...by M. Coillard, On the Threshold of Central Africa

"So I tried and we tried - and failed. He had to teach us to Be Still and Know. Then when His time came His will was clear." - Amy

I'n waiting ...and watching.

... ... ...waiting... ... ...

2009-10-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night, after a long wearisome day, I was talking with my Lord.

"I know you have an amazing plan. You always do. You will do something wonderful." I chagrined as if in pain, not worry or impatience, only pain. "You have clearly and gently told me to wait. I can do that because I know Your faithfulness and have seen You work in Your time." I paused. He held my tear-stained face. "But what do I do while I wait?"

I read Psalm 62.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
...For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
...Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man according to his work."

It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God's design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.

The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so easily,
But in my hands they die.

If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God's design,
Then how can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?

So I'll trust in God for leading
Each moment of my day.
I will look to God for guidance
In each step of the way.

The path that lies before me,
Only my Lord knows.
I'll trust God to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.

a testimony of God

2009-10-12T08:11:00.000-07:00

(shared with friends on Oct. 11th, 4:45pm)

One way to look at the past...

God...
...took me to The Master's College when I didn't even want to go to college.
...took me to Uganda, totally out of my comfort zone.
...had me wait 4 months before clearly having me go to Chuuk.
...took me to Chuuk a second time, with my sister, for a year.
...led me to CIU, a great job, an amazing boss, friends, churches, and a freaking MA that I thoroughly enjoyed getting, feel gifted and confident in by Him, and have already been given amazing opportunities to use.
..., through His clear calling, led me to Iraq where I had some of the best months of my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically speaking.

But let me tell you something, my beloved friends, in all honesty, for the praise of this amazing God whom there is no other...

Nothing compares, nothing, and nothing even matters, compared (in the words of Paul) to the surpassing worth of knowing my Lord...

Jesus

Another way to look at my life...

- In college, God made in me a love for His Word, to know Him, to read it purely to know Him and if His Word was true and the God that authored it was alive and Jesus sat at His right hand as my Savior, then my life would be lived drastically different from those who did not know Him.
- But I had so much to understand about grace...
- I tell you that one of my reasons for going to Chuuk was because I thought I had to do great things for the Lord because I had messed up so much in the past. I didn't realize this reasoning until later, but I do think it was true, and you know what? I failed and I sinned and I screwed up there too. ..And thus began some of the darkest months in my life.
- And Jesus spoke through the words of Timothy to me, "When you are faithless, [I] remain faithful."
- I lacked faith. Faith in His grace. Faith in the work of Jesus. Faith in who God was, is, and will forever be.
- And God graciously took me to a time of deep spiritual growth in Him.
- You may have heard me complain about living with my brother in a studio apartment but that semester I would spend hours with the Lord outside at this place called the Pointe, overlooking the river and trees - and those times... were glorious. It's why I want to go to heaven even now. Jesus. Forever cherished time with my Savior, my God, my Friend.
- And then God takes me to Iraq. Honestly, the most wonderful thing about this summer was my intimacy with the Lord - not perfect on my part - but the same as it had been. Life was "normal" because I was walking with Him just like I had been, because of Him and because of His faithfulness. Of course "normal" with the Lord means totally amazing, miracles all around, hearts transformed, eyes enlightened, praise to the only great God who saves.

My beloved friend,
this is God's story in my life...
...He is my Savior because I don't obey all the time.
...He is my friend because His blood reconciles me to Him.
...And He is God, not only worthy of my worship but desirous of intimacy with me which has resulted in me being desirous of Him... and me being desirous of everything else that He loves.

"For thus says the Lord,
who created the heavens (he is God!),
who formed the earth and made it (he established it;
he did not create it empty, he formed it to be inhabited!):
"I am the Lord, and there is no other.
I did not speak in secret, in a land of darkness;
I did not say to the offspring of Jacob,
'Seek me in vain.'
I the Lord speak the truth; I declare what is right.

"Assemble yourselves and come; draw near together, you survivors of the nations!
They have no knowledge who carry about their wooden idols,
and keep on praying to a god that cannot save.
Declare and present your case; let them take counsel together!
Who told this long ago? Who declared it of old?
Was it not I, the Lord? And there is no other god besides me,
a righteous God and a Savior; there is none besides me.

"Turn to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other."

(Isaiah 45:18-22)

"Yeah, you were the __________."

2009-10-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

I went to a friend's birthday party last night. I only really knew her and her boyfriend so while we waited for them (it was a surprise) one of the other girls and I were trying to figure out how we knew each other. Eventually we realized and she said, "Yeah, you were the _________." Fill in the blank with whatever you will, I'll just say that it wasn't "girl who radiates Jesus" or "girl who loves people so much because all Christ has done for her." It wasn't scandalous or rude or belittling (really), in fact, it was a "Christian" term. And I think she was just saying it as fact (which it actually is, sorta, true, maybe.) It wasn't wrong or bad.

It just wasn't and isn't what I want to be known for.

How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
- Nichole Nordeman

I pray that I might be characterized by love. (I have a long way to go.)

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35

I pray that I might be used to spread His fame and His glory.

"...And from them I will send survivors to the nations... that have not heard my fame or seen my glory. And they shall declare my glory among the nations." Isaiah 66:19

JESUS

2009-10-06T23:00:00.001-07:00

(& Francis Chan)

I've done some of my reading over the past month. I have enjoyed many a books and if you followed my blog winter break of 08-09 you would have seen the list of 13 or so books I finished off and had time to discuss on my blog. Fun-ness.

Francis Chan: My favorite preacher EVER. Why? Every time, I praise God for how wonderful HE (God Himself) is and want to be changed by Him, because of Him, and for Him. Louie Giglio says of Chan, "[He] quickly gets to the heart of the matter and leaves you wanting more... more of the matchless Jesus who offers radical life for all right now."

Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

"...surrendering yourself totally to God's purposes, He will bring you the most pleasure in this life and the next."

"[God] has more of a right to ask us why so many people are starving."

"A Strange Inheritance... The very fact that a holy, eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, fair, and just God loves you and me is nothing short of astonishing. The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us. His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity. He doesn't need me or you. Yet He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance (Eph. 1:18). The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us. That really is amazing beyond description. The holy Creator sees you as His 'glorious inheritance.' The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him - and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by."

"The greatest good on this earth is God. Period. God's one goal for us is Himself. The Good News - the best news in the world, in fact - is that you can have God Himself."

God has used (and continues to use) the words of Isaiah (and others) for me.

This amazing, AMAZING GRACE, time and time and time again - I am a fool to not be ______ changed.

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you..." says God. (Isaiah 43:4) "...But you have burdened me with your sins; you have wearied me with your iniquities." (Isaiah 43:24) "I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins," says God. (Isaiah 43:25) "Sing, O heavens, for the Lord has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it! For the Lord has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel." (Isaiah 44:23)

As precious Mary Ewart use to say, "Jesus is the answer to everything." He proved it to her. She testified it to me. Now she sees Him face to face.

He's proven it to me too. "Oh, Lord, may I testify of You..."

Reminiscing...

2009-10-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

This is weird. I'm blogging again.

Remember the Uttermost Parts of the Sea?

Remember My Song of the South?
Be reminded: studio, grace, festival, testimony, vacation, laughter, experiences.

Thus a new blogging journey begins.